We hang the petty thieves
and appoint the great ones
to public office.


Creative Squirrels Suck Up Peanuts

Pittsburgh - Squirrels behind a rash of daring peanut heists
in Pittsburgh have used a variety of tactics to
snatch their precious haul, but their latest tool,
a vacuum cleaner, has surprised everyone.

A gentleman was sitting on a park bench yesterday,
peacefully feeding local squirrels and crows from his bag of peanuts.
What he described next was enough to make
even the most calloused detective flinch.
A gang of 5 or 6 squirrels ran up to him with a hand-held,
battery operated vacuum and proceeded to
suck all of the peanuts out of his bag.

The unidentified man said he was so surprised
by what was happening, that all he could do
was sit there and watch his peanuts disappear.

“Using a vacuum cleaner is new.
Squirrels certainly don't lack innovation," he said, almost admiringly.
The attack was the latest in a spate of daylight robberies
on park visitors and birdfeeders in the area.

Many citizens see that the robbers feel confident enough
to strike in busy areas in broad daylight and it has fueled
a sense of fear and calls for a crackdown on delinquency and offenders.

The police suspect more than one gang is at work.
Birdfeeders are less guarded than parks and
therefore easier targets, particularly now, when the
vacuum can clean out a birdfeeder in about 2 seconds.

Worried about potential lawsuits from unsuspecting tourists,
not to mention terrified lunchers, the town council held a
crisis meeting with Pittsburgh police and were assured
more would be done to protect them.
"If a gang of squirrels run up to someone in the park,
carrying a vacuum, it's as simple as point-and-click …
there is little police can do," said one frustrated officer.

"You can hardly have a shoot-out with so many people in the park."

Police have rejected suggestions that a single gang
might be behind the recent attacks since some robbers
are described as smooth and professional while others
are so incompetent that it is laughable.

To be continued . . .

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The opinions expressed by Stockton Dupres do not
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All squirrel animation and photo alterations by b.kee(c)1999

Original squirrel photo (c)Gregg Elovich

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