The only way you get money
is by taking it from someone else

- Unknown

Squirrel Hunter
Kidnapped, Tortured

A squirrel hunter was kidnapped
outside his mobile home in Central Kentucky,
held for ransom and tortured during a
30-hour ordeal, police said yesterday.

The avid hunter (his identity is being withheld)
was recovering in a secure location last night
after seven members of the Kentucky branch
of the Squirrel Enforcement Army were arrested in a city park.

Authorities were shocked to learn that the ringleader
of the botched kidnapping was Fred Rogers,
of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood fame.

Charges of kidnap and other serious offences
were expected to be filed against all seven.

The victim was forced into a car outside his
home about midday on Tuesday last week.
The following night he was at a hospital
in a serious mental condition.

``He was coerced into a vehicle by Rogers,
with promises of free beer," Explained one detective,
"but once inside, "he was subject to the
ridicule and intimidation of hand puppets,
while the squirrels in the vehicle rummaged
through his pockets and wallet.
He went through a very torrid time.''

Police would not disclose the amount of the ransom demand,
which was believed to have been about $8,000.00 worth of mixed nuts.
No nuts were handed over, he said.

The group was captured when someone overheard Rogers
as he sat on a park bench bragging about the kidnapping
with puppets who hadn't been involved.

Rogers joined the S.E.A. over a month ago
and was left in charge while rebel squirrel leader,
Stockton Dupres is training with the elite
Mountain Division of the S.E.A. in Leadville, Colorado.

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