Where are they, Punk?

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desires?

- Shakespeare's "Slave" Sonnet 57

Squirrel Feeder Gets His Wish: Prison

A man who uses the alias, Marked, said he committed two robberies
because he wanted to go to jail, where he would be safe from the
squirrels who live in his yard.

He got his wish Friday after a jury took just 10 minutes to convict him
and a judge sentenced him to five years in prison.

Marked, 46, was convicted of robbing two comic book stores of $19.95
and of $26.00 in August. In both cases he claimed to have a gun.

Prosecutors asked Marked why he wanted to go to prison to be
safe from the squirrels, and he replied:
``Because they are running me ragged. Always wanting those nuts!
Each time I look out my patio glass, they are sitting there, like they own the place.
Waiting . . . always waiting for me to bring more nuts to them.

Prosecutor: "And if you don't give them nuts?"

Marked shudders. "You don't deny them nuts! Are you crazy?
At first, I thought it was cute.
They would take a nut from my hand and it would be so . . . so, Cute!
But now, I have to go to the store everyday.
I've gone through my savings, my wife divorced me."
He lowered his head. "My children are embarrassed by me."

Marked told police he was being hunted by a group of squirrel 'scouts'
to find out why they had not received their nuts for several days.

"I can never go home again." He whispered.

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All squirrel animation and photo alterations by b.kee(c)1999

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