"I'm being stalked by my ass - "

Whoopi Goldberg

Squirrel Pleads Guilty
to Misuse of Acorn

Lexington, KY: Squirrel hockey legend, Fuz LaTeef,
pleaded guilty Friday to unlawfully aiming an acorn
at an 18-year-old citizen during a dispute.

During the incident, LaTeef pulled his acorn on the
unidentified male, grabbed his pant leg and
told him the acorn was a bomb.

LaTeef was originally charged with misdemeanor assault and felony menacing.
But those charges were dropped Friday in return for his guilty plea to one
count of "prohibited use of a weapon," a Class 2 misdemeanor.

LaTeefe will receive probation and attend anger management counseling.
He has been with the NHL since 2001.

"That's a slap on the paw for him, and the only reason they gave him
that is because he is a hotshot, hockey playing squirrel," the victim said.
"He had no right to put that acorn to my leg and threaten my life.
I was frightened. I thought that happened only in the movies.
He easily could have pulled the cap."
Prosecutors acknowledged that the victim and his family weren't happy.

Global Squirrel Network attorney, Festus McCool said he believes the deal is fair.
He said LaTeef had a good case. But he said the plea bargain was
accepted because if a jury found the squirrel guilty of a felony
and he went to prison, he could not easily be replaced on the team.

Fuz LaTeef is a defenseman with the Kentucky Nutbusters, known for his
violent temper tantrums on the ice.

"While we felt we had a very strong defense, which included expert testimony
from a metro-area police chief who said squirrels don't normally walk
around with loaded acorns. He went on to conclude that it was
most likely a bluff by LaTeef," McCool said.

In March, LaTeef was with friends in an unidentified park when the
18 year old began trying to shoo the squirrels off of a
picnic table to make room for a cooler.

When the group of squirrels balked at the intrusion,
the youth with the cooler made an obscene gesture,
something the victim denies. At that point, LaTeef lost
his temper and threatened the 18 year old with an acorn.

LaTeef said he had pulled his acorn out but it wasn't loaded.
He acknowledged that he grabbed the victim's pant leg and
tried to encourage the young man to leave peacefully.

McCool said that squirrels in the park supported
LaTeef's version of the story.

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