Public enemy number one, Squirrel rebel leader, Stockton Dupres was ambushed by FBI officials outside a tavern in central Kentucky around 2:00 AM this morning.
When Dupres stepped out of the tavern, accompanied by an English red squirrel, G-men opened fire, ending a year of terror for squirrel hunters in the region.
As Dupres lies in an unnamed Lexington morgue, President Clinton has summoned the National Guard to the area, fearing violent uprisings from the Squirrel Enforcement Army.
Janet Reno, who is known to have had an internet affair with Dupres, was not told of the ambush until it was over. When she learned of his death, she attempted suicide with a blowtorch. Her housekeeper was able to wrestle the blowtorch from her and put the enflamed Attorney General out. She was hospitalized with 3rd degree burns on over 60 percent of her body and is in critical condition.
FBI officials were tipped off to Dupres' whereabouts by his latest companion and confidant, Aubrey, a red squirrel from Britain who was planted by the FBI to seduce and lure Dupres into their grasps. The exotic Aubrey had no trouble winning the admiration of the battle hardened leader of the Kentucky branch of the Squirrel Enforcement Army. Her high-profile red tail and dry wit were irresistible to a squirrel who had always put love on the backburner as he worked diligently for change in a world of brutality and injustice toward squirrels.