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ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

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LETTERS

Peer Pressure
Unrequited Love Bad, Bad
Betrayal No Friends?
Divorce? Blue Undies Roommate



More Letters





Dear Grumpy:
For the past three months a male squirrel has been coming around. He is really sweet and loves me to feed him and he licks my fingers. But when his little squirrel friends are around he acts like a totally different squirrel, he chatters and takes the food I give him and runs.
What is this male squirrel's problem?
From: Squirrelover in MA
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: A serious butt-kisser at work!


Dear Squirrelover:
What you are seeing is a classic case of peer-pressure.
You know how when you were a teenager and you hated to go out in public with one of your 'uncool' relatives? And you know how much worse it could be if that relative was dressed in bright polyester while calling you poofycheeks in a baby talk voice? You know where I'm going here . . .
It didn't mean that you loved that relative any less and it certainly didn't mean that you didn't secretly anticipate gifts from that person.
Squirrels, particularly adolescent squirrels, can be so cruel to each other at times. Your little friend has to behave that way when his buddies are watching or they will razz him to death . . . "Oooh, come here poofycheeks, come lick mama's fingers."
Say whatever you like when the two of you are alone. But please hold back the baby talk and licking thing while his friends are around.
"Grumpy"

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Hey old boy grumpy!
My question involves a female squirrel I fell in love with. We were just fine and then she felt depressed and I was the reason for her suffocation. I admit I stayed in at times and chose her company, but I was Just that comfortable with her. We are still best friends, but my passion runs too deep for her, I tried leaving her alone, but we are so drawn to each other. How do I wait it out for her. Wondering if she'll ever be my squirrel again.

From: Squirrely of the Karma Acorn Tree of Patience
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Heartwarming

Dear Squirrely:
Trust me when I tell you that NO friend is worth saving all your passion for. Particularly when they aren't going to be interested in it UNTIL you give it to someone else!
I dare think of my younger days, and all the passion wasted over unrequited love.
Now . . . Get out of here.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Hi. Is it bad of me to keep my ex-boyfriend hanging on and faithful when I'm not?
From: Eliza in Australia
Contribution: Cashews and peanuts
Affiliation: Unsure (We're not surprised)

Dear Eliza:
I'll answer your question as soon as we define 'bad'. Do you mean 'bad' as in: A) Something to be proud of . . . " What a cool thing to do, you are my hero!"
B) Something which causes disgust and loathing. . "Bad dog, bad! Bad dog! Have you no shame?"
C) Something which causes fear and or admiration . . . "I've been a bad, bad squirrel, I need to be spanked!"
On the other hand, he IS your X boyfriend. Why would you even want someone so deranged to remain faithful to you?
"Grumpy"

OK Grumpy.
I asked you to tell me if it was 'bad' of me to keep a guy hanging on and faithful if I wasn't being faithful.
You asked me to define bad.
I mean "bad bad dog. Have you no shame?" kind of bad.
Come on be honest, I can take it!!!
Eliza of Australia

Dear Eliza:
So, you've been a bad, bad dog . . .
Obviousely, if your man is still clinging to you, you must have some endearing charms .
Perhaps he simply finds it a turn on to want someone that he knows he will never possess. Or could it be that he finds it exciting to want someone that everyone else has possessed?
And isn't there a little safety involved in knowing that an old flame continues to wait for you while you are out sowing all those wild oats?
Just thinking of it all makes me tired and cranky. I think you deserve each other.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
My girl has doubt to me now cause I went out with another girl once, to spite on her...well, nothing happened but my girl says she has hard time to trust me again, what shall do to gain her confident back?
From: Roger of China
Affiliation: Still thinking about it
Contribution: Saturation


Dear Roger:
In effect, you have turned all the power in your relationship over to her with one indiscretion. In the frightful game of Love-Chess, your lover has gained the leverage needed to keep you on the defensive for a very long time.
You have no choice now but to buckle under and behave yourself. No amount of blubbering or gifts will win back the trust that you've destroyed. Instead, you let her take her pound or two of flesh. You will be tortured, verbally ambushed, humiliated, kicked repeatedly while you're down and spit upon: Take it like a man until it runs its course.
Sure, you could always say, "Forget it, it's not worth all that." And then you end up like me-alone and able to love only from afar.
But then, I don't have to share my nuts with anyone!
"Grumpy"

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So, Grumpy:
Why are you such an abusive rodent? You need to get some friends.
From: A Pathetic Bushytail Envier from Leongatha
Contribution: Better than expected


Dear Bushytail Envier:
Perhaps I am abusive but in my own defense I would like to say that 'abusive rodents' are not born-they are made. I am simply the monster that society has created and thoughtlessly unleashed upon itself.
Squirrels are persecuted every day of their lives: We are shot, poisoned, trapped, tortured, hit by cars, hunted, run out of our homes and eaten by the hundreds of thousands. If I come away from all that with only a crusty attitude, I figure I'm doing all right.
Nope, I'm no teddy bear and I don't sugar coat my acorns.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
I recently lost someone that I care about very much because I was not honest with him about the status of my divorce. When I was honest, he told me that he understood, and that it didn't really matter, but suddenly, almost two weeks later, he decided that it was. I had already learned from past experience that the good men always ran away if they knew that I wasn't divorced yet, and I didn't want this one to do the same. I thought that if he got to know me first, that he would see that I'm a good person. What have I been doing wrong, and how can I make things better now?
From: Lovesick and heartbroken in Chandler, AZ
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Assorted nuts

Dear Lovesick:
Let's see now: You just want to show a good man that you are a "good' person-THEN let him know that you are still married and have been HIDING that fact from him the whole time.
If I were you, I wouldn't even consider dating until that nasty little divorce is out of the way. Until then, you will be doing everyone (including yourself) a favor by taking up a new hobby, like collecting delicious nuts. You may actually realize that you LIKE yourself so much that you will no longer be a slave to this obsessive need to have a new man in your life-
Before the last one is gone . . .
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Is it true that squirrel's fancy pink underwear? And if so, then why do squirrels from our neighboring tree keep stealing my blue ones?
From: Orchid of New York
Affiliation: Not sure
Contribution: Black walnuts and almonds

Dear Orchid,
Yes, it is a curious and disturbing truth that we squirrels prefer pink underwear. But why your blue ones keep getting stolen is really no mystery to those of us in the counseling field.
You see, there are marital troubles going on in your neighbor's tree. Most likely one of the partners is feeling neglected or unappreciated. Stealing blue undies is a subconscious cry for attention.
Squirrels hate blue underwear and will do anything to keep them out of their nests, even if it means giving in to an over dramatic, self-centered crybaby of a mate.
Ummmm. . . why do humans own blue undies?
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Will I ever find a decent room-mate?

From: Jigglypuff of Arizona
Affiliation: Unsure
Contribution: Adequate


Dear Jigglypuff:
There is no such creature as a decent roommate.
They're all the same: Won't pick up after themselves, eat all the food, run up the phone bill and won't pay up, use your toiletries, always hope that you don't come home . . . you may as well adopt some lowlife cat!
"Grumpy"

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