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Loserville Marriage?
The Traffic Thing I'm HOT!
The End? Winter in the Soul

More Letters

Dear Grumpy,
As has been widely published, we are currently engaged in a war with Commander Torzak. Although I have never seen him in person, I suspect that by the amount of lies that he tells about our battles, that his nose is extremely long......
Do you have any evidence that would support this conclusion?
From: Commander Pugsly des e'cureuil
Of: SRA (squirrels rule army) headquartered at Watts squirrel chat
Affiliation: Confederate in high standing
Contribution: mmmmm, more than adequate!

Dear Commander Pugsly:
The evidence you request is before your eyes . . . the BODY COUNT!
Commander Torzak (as he likes to be called) has no army left. After the Kentucky battle between the squirrel hunters and the Squirrel Enforcement Army, Torzak's ragged, dismembered troops limped back to suburbia with the profound knowledge that theirs was a lost cause. I understand from intelligence reports that his former followers will no longer accept his collect-calls. And at least two have obtained restraining orders against him. The Kentucky Governor has called him an unruly, rebel-rousing troublemaker and suggests that he bathe more often.
So you see, what has he left in his arsenal but propaganda?
Sniff . . .

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Dear Grumpy:
Will you marry me???

From: Nutlover of Oklahoma
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Black walnuts and peanuts

Dear Nutlover:
I've heard of ladies like you . . . but I am not in prison!
Besides, Dearie, You would never survive the honeymoon.

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Dear Grumpy:
Why do so many of your relatives run in the road? Are they members of a suicide cult? Are they engaging in turf wars? Heaven help them! In the last month, five have gotten zapped in a two block radius. There REALLY oughta be a TRAFFIC school for them!

From: Susan of Connecticut
Affiliation: Isn't sure (Hooey!)
Contribution: Nuts, nuts and lovely nuts

Dear Susan
This happens to be a FAQ but one worth answering again.
Actually, squirrels are notoriously bad at assessing risk. But that realization doesn't deter us. We live on the edge every moment of our short, tragic lives. We live fast, love hard then get squished. It is truly the stuff of legends. However, there may be a darker side to this phenomenon. Think about it; wouldn't it be hard for you to stay animated and chipper all the time? And what about the endless panhandling? Sucking up to any loser in the park who has a few peanuts in his or her pocket. It gets to you after awhile. So the next time you see a squirrel doing the break-light shuffle, just remember that it may be a cry for help.

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Dear Grumpy:
I think you are cute and hot. Why do they call you Grumpy when you are sooooo HOT??

From: The Bug-Eater of Sand Springs
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Worth the trip

Dear Bug-Eater:
Obviously, with a name like yours you can understand that we are not always responsible for what we get stuck with. I was thinking about legally changing my name to something more reflective of my personality-But then I found out that someone ELSE was using George Clooney.
I then thought, 'maybe just one name' and decided that was what I would do. Imagine my surprise to find that some loser-bushytail envier was using 'Fabio'!
Nope, all the good names are gone so I guess I'm just going to remain

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Dear Grumpy:
Is it wet in a squirrel's nest during rain?

From: Binnie of Una . . . ?
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Black walnuts and peanuts.

Dear Binnie:
A squirrel's nest is a hodge podge of sticks, leaves, fur, feathers, brillo pads and shredded, discarded underwear. Those things do not keep naked baby squirrels dry so Mother must add something special. . .
Love is waterproof.

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Dear Grumpy:
are we going to have a hard cold winter?
From: White Am. Of Kansas
Affiliation: ??
Contribution: Cashews and peanuts. Yes!

Dear White:
I really used to pay attention to the weather but now . . . oh. . . did you mean that in a metaphorical way?
No matter.
Either way, you are going to need a psychic friend for this one. Excuse me while I have a few cashews.

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Dear Grumpy:
When is the world going to end?
From: Ms. Strangelove of Wisconsin
Affiliation: ?
Contribution: PTHHHHP!

Dear Ms. Strangelove,
You may find this STRANGE but the world is not going to end. Not for squirrels anyway.
Actually it won't end for humans either although there is some speculation that they will wish it had.
Now there, I've gone and said too much.
My advice: Keep putting out those delicious nuts and break off any relationships you may have with any squirrel hunters.

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