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More Acorn Facts
What's Cooking? Pets
The Borg The X
My Biggest Fan

More Letters

Dear Grumpy:
How do you plant Oak Trees from Acorns??? Collected some and would like to try.....
Thank you, NN from CA
Affiliation: Thinking. . .
Contribution: Peanuts

Dear N.N.
I will first give you the squirrel secret of planting acorns:

You must keep in mind that an acorn is a living, breathing, and mind reading entity. What most humans fail to realize and what all squirrels know is that acorns are smarter than we are. They are also notorious pranksters. An acorn will take great pleasure in doing exactly what you DON'T want it to do. This explains why, when a human plants an acorn in the hope of growing a stately Oak on His/her property, nothing happens. And when a squirrel buries an acorn, in the hope of retrieving it some day as a snack, it immediately turns into a sapling. It reads our thoughts! I can picture it all covered with dirt, snickering to itself as it plots our frustration.
The only way to grow one is to convince yourself that it is the most delicious item on our Earth's menu and bury it with the most sincere intention of digging it up in the fall to eat. Once it's buried and you are several, safe, city blocks away, you can begin the tedious task of retraining your thoughts so that you WON'T dig it up as a snack. Some of us can't do it.

Here is a link to some human's page who thinks they know how its done :
Good luck.

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Dear Grumpy:
How long do you cook nut stuffed skwerel and at what temperature? The dang things keep exploding in the oven and spraying entrails and peanut butter all over the kitchen. And do you remove the fur with a blowtorch or a razor?
From: Julia Childs on Public T.V.
Affiliation: Confederate (Ha!)
Contribution: ZERO? . . . Bad Julia!

Dear Julia:
If you can't take a few exploding entrails and gobs of peanut butter on your ceiling. . . perhaps you should just get out of the kitchen.
Or, you could try cooking something equally entertaining but less messy. I suggest 'Squirrel Hunter (sereal killer) Brain Pie'. It's loaded with empty calories but fun to serve at bithday parties because it's full of air and when stabbed with a fork, makes a rude sound.
Bon Apetite!

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Dearest Grumpy,
I would like a squirrel of my own. We have tons of them running around, and I would like to have one as a pet.
What is your view of this?
And how can I lure one to my home?
Thanks Grumpy,
From: Veverka of Miami
Affiliation: Unsure,
Contribution: Cashews and almonds

Dear Veverka:
The bad news is that squirrels make lousy pets.
The good new is that humans make wonderful pets!
Does it really matter who is Master and who is Slave so long as the relationship is mutually satisfying? And all you have to do to become the slave/pet of some loving squirrel is to put out fresh, delicious nuts everyday. Oh, and scare off any songbirds that might be loitering on your property. . . they get into our stuff!

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Dearest Grumpy,
I am your biggest fan. Oh - it's not because of your incredible intelligence or your astounding good looks, rather it is for your amazing ability as a pianist. Yes-you have heard right-a pianist. Your snappy rendition of fur Elise that I listen to every time I visit your site brings shivers to my spine. Are you related to L. Van Beethoven, and if so, will you be following your illustrious ancestor's footsteps?
From: Grumpy's biggest fan
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: It's made me dizzy

Dear Biggest Fan:
I don't know quite what to say, except that most of my fans are a bit taken with my astounding good looks and never seem to get beyond it. Alas, I am afraid that the only qualities I share with the great Beethoven are cool hair and an overwhelming attraction to unattainable ladies.

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Dear Grumpy:
I told this girl I like her and she said she likes me but I cant do anything until the ex boyfriend is out of the picture. I cant help these feelings or I will burst, what do I do in the mean time??
From: Purcy of Brisbane
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Cashews and peanuts

Dear Purcy:
Just take this time to savor the feeling of being the one she's going to dump the OLD boyfriend for. Before you know it, you'll be the old boyfriend wondering 'What Happened?'

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Dear Grumpy:
We are the Borg. Squirrels, species 11256, you will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

From: The Borg in the Delta Quadrant
Affiliation: Still wondering
Contribution: 0. . . ZERO…chit. . . BARK!. . .LOSERS!

Dear Borg:
If you are, indeed, the Borg then I am the Borg Queen!
You're not fooling me, TORZAK!
Oh, by the way, I spoke with your benefactor, A.K.A. Mom, today. Apparently the new supply of underwear you requested is going to be arriving late, sometime in December. . . oh! And your allowance has been cut off for an undisclosed period of time while new priorities are considered. It seems that your Mom spent all her money on a gift for 'yours truly'. . . she is quite taken with me.
I hope your studies are going well.

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