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Anti Christ
Love Spell Acorn Facts
One NutBlack Magic
Disappearing Squirrels Dr.Evil
Disturbing Poetry Fighting Back Kill Me Now!

More Letters

Dear Grumpy:
What is happinin ?

From: Anonymous
Affiliation: Hasn't a clue
Contribution: 0

Dear Anonymous,
I think you are the Anti Christ and you would know better than I, what is happinin.
Even the Anti Christ should know that it is impolite and parasitical to ask a squirrel for something
without first offering a delicious nut or two.
I have friends in high places myself so don't think I will tolerate your irreverent, speciest philosophy
of death and destruction toward what you see as a lesser creature.
HHMMPH. . . "Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
I am in love and don't know how to tell her so what do I do and when do I do it. Thank you for your time Grumpy you are a legend and I love your site!!
From: Purcy of Brisbane
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Cashews and almonds (sweeet)

Dear Purcy:
Sometimes life can be cruel but mostly, we are just stupid. Say nothing and most importantly, do nothing to escalate this temporary infatuation. Five years from now you'll be asking yourself, what was I thinking?
You see Purcy; someone has placed an evil love spell on you. Oh sure, it's great fun for them to watch you make a fool of yourself over someone you would normally be repulsed by. But heed my warning now and you won't have to do any damage control later. I know it seems real, it always does. Just keep telling yourself that it's only a joke, it's only a joke. And don't let them see you sweat!
The average spell lasts about 3 weeks so chew a lot of gum, take plenty of naps and soap up real good in the shower.
Let me know when it's over.

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Dear Grumpy:
What is the best way to plant acorns in order to make them grow?
From: Boone of Ohio
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: NOTHING. . . LOSER!

Dear Boone;
You must keep in mind that an acorn is a living, breathing, and mind reading entity. What most humans fail to realize and what all squirrels know is that acorns are smarter than we are. They are also notorious pranksters. An acorn will take great pleasure in doing exactly what you DON'T want it to do. This explains why, when a human plants an acorn in the hope of growing a stately Oak on His/her property, nothing happens. And when a squirrel buries an acorn, in the hope of retrieving it some day as a snack, it immediately turns into a sapling. It reads our thoughts! I can picture it all covered with dirt, snickering to itself as it plots our frustration.
The only way to grow one is to convince yourself that it is the most delicious item on our Earth's menu and bury it with the most sincere intention of digging it up in the fall to eat. Once it's buried and you are several, safe, city blocks away, you can begin the tedious task of retraining your thoughts so that you WON'T dig it up as a snack. Some of us can't do it.
That's all I have, Punk!

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Dear Grumpy;
What is the problem with the world today?
From: Treetstie of Nashville
Affiliation: Bushy Tail envier
Contribution: Grumpy's favorite, Black Walnuts

Dear Treetstie;
The problem with the world today is that everything is too complex.
Too many squirrels wanting too many different kinds of nuts.
the solution is simple enough: One nut, One squirrel, One world
Just ponder that for awhile.

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Dear Grumpy:
This guy is trying to cast a bad spell on me what should I do?
From: Purcy in Brisbane
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Cashews, peanuts and black walnuts

Dear Purcy:
If only you had squirrels in your country (big sigh).
A squirrel in your yard would automatically repel any bad spells and send them flying back to the guy who's trying to harm you. It is a simple miracle of nature and scientists aren't sure why it works. The only thing I can suggest at this stage is that you try to confuse the spell by setting out a bowl of delicious nuts. Write in big black letters 'Chippy" on the side of the bowl. This technique is commonly used against burglars to make them think you have a ferocious dog when you don't. It will appear that you are feeding a squirrel and there is a likely chance that the spell won't waste its time on you. Ideally, it will turn its attention to the spell caster and you will be rid of both of them.
Of course, if we're dealing with a 'smart spell', you're toast.

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Dear Grumpy:
I feed a lot of your relatives. Sometimes they disappear for a time (days, weeks, months) then come back like they were never gone. In search of greener grass, fresher nuts? Having squirrel babies? Also...if someone messes with a nest near a food supply, do you guys just build a new nest to take its place?
From: Susan in Connecticut
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Respectful

Dear Susan:
The most likely cause of your disappearing squirrels is the mating season. At this time, usually twice per year, when squirrels pair up, they think of little else-not even food (personally, I don't get it).They will not resume their normal activities until they have completely exhausted themselves. Then they appear again, a little gaunt, a little dehydrated, sheepishly trying to act like there was never a lapse in time.
The less likely cause of the disappearances is, of course, alien abduction. Oh, it happens; just not as often as some squirrels would have you believe.
Your second question about someone messing with a nest. . . it really depends on the situation. If a squirrel feels threatened by the intrusion, it will move into your attic or some other suitable haven. But if the nest belongs to a mother and her babies, the situation could become life threatening to the young. If the babies are small enough, the mother squirrel can move them. However, there is a window of time when the young are too big for the mother to transport and they are not yet old enough to follow her. Baby squirrels are very vulnerable in a situation like this and the nest should be left alone, even if it has been damaged.

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Dear Grumpy:
When will Dr. Evil strike again?

From: Bob the Moocow from Bobville
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Not bad, considering. . .

Dear Bob
I think you have me confused with one of your psychic friends. I am a mere, mortal squirrel and unable to predict when the dreaded Dr. Evil will strike next. I do, however, suspect that he may strike in a small town named after some boob who thinks he is a cow.

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Dear Grumpy,
I keep waiting on my girl, she's driving me up a tree. I'm getting squirrelly waiting for her, although she's the one fur me. Should I just hightail it outa her life, or shell I make her my wife? My heart acorns fur her. I'm well, I'm nuts about her.

From: Ed in his parent's basement
Affiliation: We're not claiming him!
Contribution: no nuts (boo, hiss and chitter!)

Roses are red. . . I wish I was. . . dead. . .

Dear Ed,
You're scaring me, Buddy.

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Dear Grumpy,
I constantly get harassed by bigger squirrels in other gangs, what should I do to protect myself?
From: Zippy (the squirrel runt) in a little tree in Massachusetts
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Abundant, for such a little squirrel

Dear Zippy:
This is going to sound crazy but I know for a fact that it will work. There will be a little pain and you must tell NO ONE! You will need the following items to pull it off:

1) 1x1 piece of thick yellow plastic and write a 3 digit number on it with permanent marker
2) 2 AAA batteries and a small case to hold them
3) 2 small strips of opposing Velcro
4) 1 simple black cat collar (new if possible)
5) mini staple gun

Place the batteries in the case, nothing has to even work. Cut the cat collar down to fit you (snug but not too tight) and attach the case to the collar with Velcro.
Now the hard part. Take the yellow piece of plastic and staple it to your left ear.
When the other squirrels ask about it just tell them you aren't at liberty to discuss it at this time. If they press you, freeze up like you are receiving important instructions via the radio transmitter attached to the collar and then hightail it to someplace where you know you won't be disturbed.
Simply kick back and let the rumors fly! You will be astonished at the exciting life they create for you as your popularity ignites before your eyes.
Just thinking about it makes me wish I were a little runt of a squirrel again.


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Dear Grumpy;
Lately I've been feeling the need to kill my self, my tail has lost all it's bushiness and life and I have no appetite. All my brothers and sisters have grown up and moved to there own trees even my parents have run off with other squirrels. I feel alone and sad and nobody understands. Please help me.
From: Alone in the world (Kill me now!)
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Okie-dokie

Dear Alone;
Before I go on I would first like to remind you that the truth is often painful and sometimes there is no heroic solution to a problem like yours.
Of course you want a glamorous life, every squirrels does. We all want the big bushy tail, the private birdbath, the great Oaken home sitting in a fertile forest populated by our offspring from our many, many lovers. . . But life isn't fair. It doesn't even come close.
However, there is no need to despair because every squirrel can be the star of his or her own life's movie and all it takes is a little attitude adjustment.
There has always been an ugly stigma attached to the urban park squirrel. When we were young, we'd watch them in disgust as they worked the benches. Their clownish antics to look as cute as possible for their elderly benefactors. My word, the things they would do for those peanuts. And when the show was over, they would waste their booty on the cards, cigarettes and peanut oil and have nothing to show for their work the next day. Forced to start again, with each new sunrise.
No, it's not a glamorous life but it's very doable for a squirrel in your situation. You don't have the bushy tail anymore so you are going to have to rely on your other charms to get you through. It's best if you can get some little blue-head to pity you. Stick out those buckteeth, raise one of your paws to your chest and then stare at her, like you're about to say what she's thinking. Works every time.

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