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ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

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LETTERS

Tails
More Nuts? I Think
Define 'Bad'
Australia. . . why not?

More Letters

Dear Grumpy,
If you squirrels are so smart, why do I see so many of your tails dangling off of car antennas?

From: Squirrellady of Wisconsin
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: A few peanuts

Dear Squirrellady:
Are you any relation to the crazy Catlady?
Actually what you are seeing on the car antennas are faux squirrel tails being displayed for the purpose of intimidation. The perpetrators of this grand hoax are none other than the wannabe Bushytail Enviers that have not yet been diagnosed. You see they are so bushytail-phobic that they have to show their NORMAL friends how much they hate squirrels. Deep down they know that they don't frighten squirrels and they even know that only the naïve and the heavily medicated really believe those are squirrel tails.
Still, their depraved sensibilities will not let them stop.
I hope you now have a better understanding of this silly phenomenon. It's really nothing to concern yourself over.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I think, therefore, I am.
What do you think?

From: Edger the Only
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Only Peanuts


Dear Edger:
I think my happy pill is wearing off.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I was just wondering if you have ever been to the Realm of Niftyness? You see there is an "Ask Skippy" section, and it is very similar to what you do.
Do you know Skippy, Grumpy?
From: Evenstar of Middle Earth
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Filberts and Almonds.


Dear Evenstar:
No, I had never even heard of Skippy but now, thanks to you, I have.
You say Skippy does very similar things to what I do?
Does Skippy plant trees 365 days a year?
Does Skippy meditate about life 3 hours a day?
Does Skippy eat bird eggs when he can steal them?
Does Skippy fight the injustices of a world full of specieism, anti-diversity, bushytail envy and squirrelicide?
One should never compare acorns to salted nuts.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Hi. Is it bad of me to keep my ex-boyfriend hanging on and faithful when I'm not?

From: Eliza in Australia
Contribution: Cashews and peanuts
Affiliation: Unsure (We're not surprised)

Dear Eliza:
I'll answer your question as soon as we define 'bad'.
Do you mean 'bad' as in:

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Dear Grumpy,
First of all I'd like to say that I love squirrels. It's such a shame we don't have them in Australia but when I was in London I went to Hyde park and a squirrel came and jumped up on my arm :)
So what I wanted to ask you was why don't some of you migrate to Australia so that we can enjoy your cuteness :)

From: No one of consequence in the Land of Oz
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Black Walnuts and Peanuts


Dear No One:
I don't get much mail from the land of OZ . . . not anymore. So your letter is a welcome site.
First of all, a squirrel jumped on your arm in London because peanut oil is legal there. Those squirrels are high as the sky. It wasn't being friendly; it was just messing with your head. We would be that way here in the US but of course there is that nasty war on drugs going on, and besides, some humans here like to eat our brains so we must keep a distance.
So why don't we all just move to Australia?
Who's paying? You? Have you really thought this through? The cost of first class air tickets for thousands, maybe millions of squirrels to Australia is no small peanut. You don't expect us to get all crammed up in a big cage and fly 'freight' do you? And what about accommodations once we arrive? Have you really researched the cost of all those little tree condos? Think! Not to mention the fact that we would be, yet another introduced species to your country and most likely an unpopular one in the beginning. How could you protect us from the deranged and misguided? And again the cost, who pays for counseling?
A beautiful hallucination that can never be. Find a way to erase those imaginings from your mind and get on with your life.
"Grumpy"

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