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ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

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LETTERS

War Participation Dreamboat
Reality vs Delusion Evil Squirrels?
Marshmallows Squirrel Brains
Nut Hunt Face Painting
Squirrel Gangs



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Dear Grumpy,
Have squirrels fought in wars to uphold freedom and justice
for this country and the world?
From: Leautant of Fairfax
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Cashews, almonds and goober peas

Dear Leautant;
Two words: Not yet.
Squirrels are considered ethnic Arboreals. That is to say that we live in this country but the elitist ruling class (humans) denies us basic citizen status. We have been helpless to assist our nation in her times of need because as ethnic Arboreals, we are not permitted to serve in the military.
But things are about to change.
Our campaigns in recent years have won us the right to vote in several states; Colorado, Wyoming, Oregon, Wisconsin and Maryland. The military is developing a 'don't ask, don't brag' policy concerning squirrels in the armed forces. And it is even likely that a squirrel will run for president in our lifetime.
The future is a bright one if we all put our hate aside and step into the millenium together.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Will I find the boy of my dreams?

From: Wicky2 of Texas
Affiliation: Still thinking about it
Contribution: Competitive

Do you think I'm sexy?
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Dear Wicky,
I live under a rock, indulge in omnivorous eating habits and sometimes, carry plague fleas. Still, ladies find me irresistible.
Sure, you'll find him.
But don't say I didn't warn you.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy;
What is the world really coming to?
From: Bob the moocow of Bobville
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Yawn!


Dear Bob,
Remember, Bob; Reality carries only guilt and suffering, sickness and death.
Delusions on the other hand, offer countless alternatives to a modern society full of minivans and uncompromising fashion statements.
You are from Bobville, so I know that you understand this concept. You have created your own magic kingdom and bravely face the world from that very unique platform. Of course, the others don't get it. None of them understand you and it's their loss, right Bob? How pathetic the world seems to those of us who are able to live from within.
We come into the world alone and go out alone, why shouldn't we view it in a way most flattering to our own agenda?
What is the world really coming to? Anything you want,Bob.
"Grumpy"

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Grumpy,
Why are you so darned sure squirrels are nice creatures and not minions of Hell? And why do you think us Anti-Squirrelers are damned bushytail enviers? You're the ones who need phsycotheripy or whatever it's called. Squirrels are evil!!!!!!!
Skwerl Poisoner
Affiliation: Patriot
Contribution: Under Suspicion


Dear Patriot Skwerl Poisoner:
Let's see now; you poison squirrels, you think they are minions from Hell, you think they are evil and you are obviously having trouble controlling your anger. Still, you think we need psychotherapy.
First: Who says squirrels were nice creatures?
They have very complex personalities just like humans. Certainly, most squirrels go through their lives as pleasant, altruistic, law abiding, ethnic arboreals. Living under constant fear of persecution at the whim of an oppressive, ruling class. But we all know that squirrels can be thieves, thugs, obnoxious, selfish and rude. No one is denying that fact.
Second: Bushy Tail Envy. Dang, I really didn't want to talk about that today but since you insist.
There are three basic types of Bushy Tail Enviers. The first group was just born that way. They are the first to acknowledge their problem and are really quite successful at leading normal lives. The second group are those who suppressed their feelings beginning at an early age. They develop an angry, hostile attitude toward the squirrel similar to a rebellious youngster testing a parent's authority. Unfortunately, they cause a lot of pain before they finally accept their affliction and start dealing with it appropriately. Around the age of 50. The third group (shiver) are really the sickos and perverts of the lot. They are referred to in professional circles as '3rd degree Bushy Tail Enviers'. They actually made a conscious decision to become the vile creatures they are today. It is believed that the brains of these individuals were somehow deprived of nutrients, perhaps even oxygen during a crucial growth spurt. There is absolutely no successful rehabilitation available for these deranged misfits. Neither is it against the law for them to live. And so they prowl our streets, the Internet and city parks, seeking only to harm those that they can never fully become.
For more information on this fascinating subject, I recommend "Through The Eyes of Longing" by Virginny Mason, PHD. As I suspect you are suffering from third degree Bushy Tail Envy.
Oh, by the way. We don't believe in Hell, we're Pagans.
"Grumpy"

Grumpy,
Okay, I admit it, I've never killed a squirrel and I probably never will. That's my weak spot, I'm too darn nice. Also you don't need psychotherapy and I am usually not angry. I am sorry that I insulted you.
P.S.I still think squirrels are evil and I am not a Bushy Tail Envier.
Signed: (Not Really) Skwerl Poisoner
Affiliation: Patriot
Contribution: Filberts and almonds

Dear (Not Really) Skwerl Poisoner:
Uh, huh.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
If my mom eats so much marshmallow fluff that she explodes,
will I get all gooey and icky?
Bobette in CT
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Satisfactory
------------------------------

Dear Bobette;
Every day I wake up and ask myself one of many questions, the primary being, when will people stop believing everything they see in the movies?
First of all, your mother will not explode. No matter how many giant marshmallows she stuffs into her cheeks. Marshmallows are made to liquefy in the lower tract where they are immediately absorbed into the surrounding tissues.
Think!
Marshmallows are so complex because they have but one agenda: Make the world sweeter. Unfortunately, the more marshmallows your mom inhales the more sickeningly sweet and superficial she will become (like June on 'leave it to Beaver'). Her nauseating new disposition will take some getting used to, no doubt. And in the beginning you most likely WILL get all gooey and icky but it will be from your own vomit.
Good luck. . . glad I'm not you.
"Grumpy"

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Grumpy,
I need your advice on a matter of the heart. I met a squirrel-brain on the internet a few months ago and we are very fond of each other. He lives some 2500 miles away. Should I start saving my nuts for our future together or should I just spend them, and have fun with local squirrel-heads? I would appreciate your words of wisdom.
KillerQueenSquirrel
Affiliation: Still thinking about it
Contribution: Cashews

save your brains, Lassies
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Dear KillerQueenSquirrel:
2,500 miles away! What, is he in Pittsburgh? Forget him, he's too close to Kentucky. Did you know that the Kentucky State game animal is the Gray Squirrel? Squirrels are murdered for their brains in that part of the world.
How do you know he's a squirrel?
This could be a sinister plot to lure unsuspecting squirrel-brides and their dowries to Kentucky where they will be relieved of their brains and then their precious nut stashes divided amongst the chefs.
Go ahead, spend your nuts on those good timing San Diego squirrels and save your brain for when you're old and desperate.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Who will win the national nut hunting contest? Will it be the Northern nibblers or Southern Scavengers? I need to know as I am heavily in debt and have my last few pounds resting on this. Cat from Britain
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Cashews

Dear Cat:
After their humiliating defeat last year, the Southern Scavengers decided to bulk up with some striking new talent. They have managed to lasso the self destructive and notorious nutinizer, Dennis the Red for this year's event. With his undeniable skill, they should be a sure thing.
But not so fast.
After learning of the Southern Scavengers blockbuster trade, the Northern Nibblers surprised the world with the announcement that the queen 'nut devil' herself, Monica Lewenski would be heading their team in this year's event. Oh, it's true.
So, if you want to do the right thing, vote for the scavengers.
But if you want to win. . .(Go Nibblers!)

"Grumpy"


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Hey Grumpy:
I was wondering, How do I get rid of the annoying squirrels that go around torturing, maiming, killing and face painting anything and everything that comes their way. I asked them politely to leave and I ended up with a sad clown face...when will this terror end ?????????
thanks yours
one scared potato sack
Affiliation: Unsure
Contribution: Nuts we're afraid to touch

The work of a pervert!
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Dear Sack;
You've got problems all right. But I'm afraid they have little to do with squirrels.
The torture, maiming, killing and worst of all, the dreaded face painting, can only be the work of one twisted little man: TORZAK!
Oh, I don't blame you for thinking it's the squirrels. That's just what he wants you to think. He lives for the day humanity will rise up against and annihilate the squirrels of the world. And then he believes history will be rewritten, totally omitting any mention of squirrels. . . so future generations will not know of the horrible 'squirrel wars'.
Quite the fantasy, isn't it?
Why would anyone go to such lengths?
A long, long time ago, Torzak fell deeply and hopelessly in love with a beautiful young squirrel named Lisa. At first, she just felt sorry for him and tolerated the ceaseless advances and pleas for a relationship. But she, being very understanding for her age, saw how desperately alone he was. She tried to be nice but Torzak didn't want a NICE squirrel. Once when they were alone, he forced her to paint her face like a clown. Terrified by his demands, she complied. Telling herself that she would survive and live to warn others.
Lisa did survive and reported her tormentor to the authorities. She changed her name and moved.
Torzak spent several years in an infirmary for the insane before being released earlier this year. And now, his only purpose in life is to seek revenge on the squirrel who broke his heart and all of her kind. The love that once filled a throbbing heart has turned into a hate filled, festering, maggot infested piece of raw pain.
Are we afraid? Let's just say we are a tad wary of a guy with an I.Q. of 32, calls himself Torzak and likes to paint clown faces on the unsuspecting.
Now you know 'the rest of the story'
"Grumpy"




Dear Grumpy,
ok if it's not the squirrels and it really is this torzak guy that is doing all this horrid face painting..what can I do..I can't lock myself in a cupboard because we all know that makes you a dwarf. But what else can I do to escape this evil evil man?? please help P.S. I think squirrels are ultra ultra cool! From: Scared Potato Sack of Australia
Affiliation: Still thinking
Contribution: Above average assortment of nuts


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Dear Sack
In a few days you will be receiving a rush delivery of a can of Mime Away. It is my own invention, created in the 70's while I was living in D.C. The mimes there were competing with squirrels for the attention of lunchers. Mime Away took care of the problem immediately. Shortly thereafter, I discovered that the D.C. pests weren't even mimes. . . they were politicians. Proving that Mime Away can eliminate ANY pest. I left the name the same because I'd already had all those cans printed up.
Just one shot and you'll be pest free, maybe two shots for Torzak.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
I am constantly harassed by the infamous "squirrel gang" that dominates my very large yard. They often come into the house unannounced, eat all of our food and then proceed to listen to my CD's and pilfer through my stuff, often leaving it strowed about the house. They even invite their gangster buddies over to enjoy a drink or two or 55 out of my dad's liquor cabinet.
Last weekend I had to drive many of them back to their trees because they were too intoxicated to scamper back. They even mob our pool, often spending hours at a time taking their baths, dips, and having hot tub parties. We can't even swim in it anymore!!!! And last but not least, they tie up the phone line and hog up the internet looking at hot squirrel chick sites. I love squirrels, but this madness has to end!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!
What should I do????
Thanks,
The one taunted by the squirrel gang
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: An amazing suck up assortment of my favorite nuts!

Are they watching?
click to enlarge

Dear Taunted
Although I am skeptical of an alias with so many words in it, I am even more troubled that someone would confess to being one of our confederates and then COMPLAIN about squirrels.
Ahhh but you did bring me a lovely assortment of nuts.
What you have is a severe lack of respect being shown to you and your family. Sounds to me like you are the doormat of the neighborhood.
Winning the respect of those party animals is essential if you want to stay in control and there's only one way to do it.
. . . Stay with me now. . . it is easier than you think.
We squirrels have an arc in our spines, which allows us the agility needed to perform the acrobatics we are famous for. There is only one catch. . . WE CAN'T LIMBO!
More than anything in the world, every squirrel has a secret wish to be a 'limbo king'. Humans possess the one ability that we lack. Doesn't it stand to reason that if you practiced a little, you could wow those little degenerates into submission?
Let me know how it feels to be worshipped.
"Grumpy"


Dear Grumpy;
IT WORKED!!! I had my very own "Limbo Night Fever" party and purposely invited the Squirrel Gang.
They were so impressed that they named me an honorary member and I am now invited to attend meetings ( I have a special seat in the front ).
They are now my best buds. We hang out together and they are ever mindful of my belongings.

SQUIRRELS RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honorary Squirrel Gang Member

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