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LETTERS

Canada
Peanut Laundering Broken Tractor
Rabies? Ramblings Clip on Tails



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Dear Grumpy;

Is it true the squirrels are responsible for helping
the dreaded Canadians in a plot to overthrow the
United States of America?
Gary
Confessed 'bushytail envier'
Contribution: filberts and black walnuts


Dear Gary,
Sometimes I wonder where these ideas are manufactured.
Did it come to you during your 198,000 round of Doom? Or were you sitting in front of the TV in face paint and a thong watching some wrestling event?
If you are referring to the following article which depicts our own General Bob, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Arboreal Resistance schmoozing with Canada's Dr. Bhartia of D.R.E.O. (Defense Research Establishment, Ottawa, Canada) . . . Think again.
Sure, Canada is courting us most aggressively but we are still negotiating.
At this point, Gary, that's all I can say. If I tell you more, you will certainly meet with some unfortunate accident.
Lucky for you, ignorance is often a safe state of mind.
"Grumpy"

The following article appeared in the March issue of
US News and Squirrel Report;


I'll wear it with pride.
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DREO Hosts Distinguished visitor from US


General Bob (right), Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Arboreal Resistance, visited DREO on 5 February 1999.. The visit was quite short, only about an hour, and involved a number of overview briefings. General Bob is shown presenting Dr. Bhartia with a resistance T-shirt as a memento of his visit. Dr. Bhartia, in turn presented General Bob with a solid gold, DREO engraved nutcracker.


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Dear Grumpy;

As head of the Department of Commerce of The Dominion, I have a problem. We produce 80% of the country's peanuts, but since there is an embargo on pro-squirrel controlled areas, there are too few markets to sell them to. Any ideas? Oh, yeah, here are some walnuts the Army said you could have.
Headirector of the Dominion department of commerce
Affiliation "Patriot"


Did you hear about the two peanuts? One was a salted.

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Dear Patriothead;
As you may know, Celestial Seasonings has joined forces with us. Their Boulder, Colorado plant along with a substantial monetary allowance is completely at our disposal. We intend to start using the establishment as our new peanut laundering facility beginning June 15,1999.
Once shipments begin arriving, they will be meticulously tested for toxins, inspected for quality and rendered untraceable. Then they will be repackaged in those darling little boxes and redistributed throughout the world for mass consumption.
You are a typical human, I'm sure you can see the potential here.
Just box those peanuts up and stamp the following initials on the top; T.E.A. (No, it doesn't stand for 'Tufty's enforcement army') Now mail them to Celestial Seasonings, pull up your Depends and dream about the biggest TV set you can fit into your mobile home.
Soon. Very soon.
"Grumpy"

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Deer Grumpy:
I was down in the south 40 an the axel on my John Deere busted. i used sum bale'n wire an'a heap-o duct tape in an attemtp t'fix it, but nothin i try'd kept it t'gethir fir more then a minut or two. I cain't afford no new JD, an Ma's gonna whoop me whin she find out. Kin you help?
Kind re-gards,
Cletus
Affiliation "Patriot"

Dear Cletus
As you quickly found out, duct tape works on everything BUT busted axles. What you need is a gob of Grumpy's special "fix-all adhesive."
Here is the recipe:

 1 cup unbleached flour
 3/4 cup shell ronies
 glitter spray paint
 6.5 oz Fly Agaric mushrooms (pretty red ones with white poky dots)
 1 cup water
Slowly add the flour to the water. Once it has developed a peanut butter (yummy) like texture, add the shell ronies.
Now you have to move quickly before it sets up.
Swallow the mushrooms then get to work by using the mixture as a bonding agent to make your repair. Need I mention that you shouldn't get it in your hair?
You will notice that it has dried almost immediately, leaving you with a perfectly repaired axle. But you want the repair to last so take the glitter spray paint and coat the repair liberally. It is a physics thing.
I know, it's like magic isn't it?
Glad to help.
"Grumpy"

pssst, Cletus, I got somethin' fer ya

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Dear Grumpy:
Do squirrels carry rabies?

Confederate Jim


Dear Jim,
Technically, apparently, any mammal can at least get rabies but squirrels are not considered vectors of rabies.
Some say it's because a squirrel would not survive long enough to spread rabies if it were attacked by a rabid animal. I've heard that it may be due to the placement of the incisors in proximity to the saliva (it is the saliva which must be transmitted into the wound in order to infect). We don't take kindly to this reference to our buckteeth but they may have a point. The last I heard, no one has ever proven that a squirrel gave rabies to anyone. But you could be the first, Jim, so don't take any chances.
Yes, there are those who would stoop to any level in order to soil our reputations. We are preparing for biological warfare at this very moment. Our intelligence has reported that a new rabies virus has been developed by the anti-squirrel factions and they plan to infect our population through our food source. If it works the way they plan, individual squirrels will never know what they have and we will simply pass it on out of ignorance.
Sure, we could stop biting you guys but it's not that easy.
Human fingers REALLY do look like peanuts!
"Grumpy"
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Deer Skwerl Grumpy:
How're y'all. I hpe yer Eastar was wunderful and thet you an'yurs is doin' fine.
I have a kwestun fir y'all. See, me an' the family was partakin' of our delicious Eastir meel aftir comin' back from servuces at the Tabernakul of the Flamin' Grotto Revivul Hall, where-in Deakon Bob had sermuned on the glorious risin' of the spirit an' how's we's all bound fir glory if'n we follow the Lord an'his almighty ways, an' we was havin' ourselves sum road possum, and Bob browt the watirmellon frum his waterirmellun farm, and there was more then enuf elixir to go 'round. An Cuzin Luellen (she's the smart one who's done a heap o'reedin' an'studyin on all mannir of items) asks this:
How come when you go to the revival hall you see all mannir of skwerls about; an when you pass by Tiny's out thar on Route 4 you kin see plenty of them bushytail varmints loungin' in the pines; an' if'n you hafta go down to the county seat on sum importtunt bizness, you kin see abowt 400 skwerls racin' 'round the park like all git-out; BUT, when you go out to ketch them chitterboxes, or do some skerl barkin', you cain't hardly find a one of them creetures anywhars?
Luellen sez it's 'cuz them skwerls are scheemin' nut devils, an' they're jist playin' with us, teesin' if you will, until such time as they git commands frum thar leeders to attack like they did to thet town in Connectykut back in the 1700's (which was a terribul trial as i heer-tell). But Cuzin Bob, the one with the watirmellon farm (an' he wirks fir the Forist Servuce, too), he woodint have none of it, an' even calle'd Luellen a "chromosomal aberration", which Cuzin' Luke (that's Luellen's husbind, an' they has those speshul babys thet they take carnyin' on occashun) didn't take kindly to, an' he cracked one of them watirmelluns ovir bob's hed, an boy-howdy did thet start a ruckus thet didn't die down until early the next mornin' (thet's today!) whin a few of us had to go to wirk or down to the unemplomunt offuce.
So, Skwerl Grumpy, is it true? Is skwerls plannin' on takin' ovir the wirld? I'm eagurly awaitin' yir reply. yirs faythfully,
Cletus


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Dear Cletus,
So glad to hear that you got to go out on Easter. I'm sure that Dr. Bob and Nurse Luellen have come to be like family to you. After all, you were once a 'speshul' baby, too.
Now I have something important to tell you so I hope you are sitting in your room with all the nice pillows on the wall and wearing your favorite jacket with the sleeves that cross. Cletus, you really need to commit to some kind of reality or you're never going to get out of there. Think about it: Why would squirrels want to take over the world? On second thought, don't think about it. Just sit there and count the webs between your toes, oh, and ask Nurse Luellen for another one of those pretty little blue pills.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Skwerlvert:
uh, what's a clip on? would I like it? is it expensive? where can I get one? what colors do they come in? do I need a prescription?

adios, Patriot Gregg


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Dear Patriot Gregg,
A clip on is a prosthetic device worn by individuals suffering from 'bushytail envy'. The clip on squirrel tail enables these poor creatures to go out into the world with the confidence of a real squirrel. The reason it works is because squirrels are very understanding. When we see someone struggling with their affliction so bravely, we treat them like one of our own. Never letting on that we know they are wearing a fake tail. Soon, the sufferer forgets that he or she was ever the loathsome, bitter, cretin, sitting alone every weekend with nothing but a bad attitude and a jug of homemade fermented saliva.
Would you like it? Let's just say that the new clip on is NOT you're grandma's clip on. The new tail looks natural, never sheds and keeps it's shape for up to ten years. They will be available in all natural shades and albino. Movers and shakers in Hollywood have managed to get their hands on a few (maybe you saw Madonna's on Oscar night?) Fabio is sporting an actual implant; we are talking serious money there. What? You didn't think it was natural, did you?
These new and wonderful clip ons will not be available to the public until later this summer and the prices will be under $200.
As you must know, prescriptions were once required. But as with yeast infections, people know when they have 'bushytail envy' and so the requirement was dropped.
"Grumpy"

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