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ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

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LETTERS

Boss Man Blues Murder
Dancing with Death Y2KSquirrel Fishing
Lost Love Mousepaper Love Child




More Letters





Dear Grumpy,
When is it O.K. to fantasize about killing your boss? I have my reasons.
No name, please!

Dear Dwayne,
You certainly caught me off guard with that one. Squirrels really don't have to deal with boss-drama because, well, we are all self employed. The closest we ever get to having a boss is the guy who owns the attic we are trashing but that's more of a landlord/tenant thing. It's ok for us to fantasize about killing him because he is usually doing the same about us. Yes, the property owners hate us because we are smarter, younger and cuter than they are(like we can help it!). Perhaps that's why your boss hates you so much. If that's the case, then we have much more in common than I initially thought and you must take action. Watch your back, cover your trail and DON'T take the bait! There is something you may not realize and that is squirrels never come right out and kill anyone. That's right. We don't have to kill because inevitably, a human will self-destruct if given proper encouragement.
Yep. It's far more entertaining to simply drive the old buzzard insane. And the beauty of it is that all we have to do is be ourselves. He'll work himself up into a tizzy trying to outsmart us, brag to all his friends about the trap he has installed, etc. But days, weeks, months, YEARS go by and we're still here wearing him down. By now his friends have deserted him, his neighbors report him to Social Services for not bathing and he's self-medicating. Meanwhile, we're still robbing his precious bird-feeders and turning everything into confetti!
I hope that helps.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I am the love child of a very famous and powerful person. He has never acknowledged me socially nor provided for me financially. I know I am his because everyone tells me that I look like 'so and so' wherever I go. Also, my first name is the same as his. Should I come forward or should I just keep biting my tongue. I am 67 years old and he is 93.
B.L.

Dear B.L.,
I really think that you need to go and visit your father in the nursing home. I think that you should let him know what a deprived childhood you endured because of his irresponsibility. You should let him know what a damaged adult you have become because he did not provide you with a father's love and mentorship during your formative years.

Actually, he probably isn't your father at all. Your mother probably just made that up so that you wouldn't suspect one of your uncles. But you never know and besides, if he suffers from any kind of dementia, he may even be happy to see you.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
You're not going to like this but I hate squirrels! I have been trapping them for years and dumping them off at city parks. But you know what? They keep coming back. I swear I have caught and hauled off the same fatso at least five times over the last year. (Some of his friends too). And they're right back in a day or two acting like gremlins.
The way I see it is that I have tried to give them an opportunity to rebuild their lives elsewhere and they have just slapped me in the face by always coming back. Tearing up my yard, getting in my attic, ruining my garden. I could go on. Anyway, I have another idea. I think that from now on I'll dowse them with gasoline once they're in the trap, then torch the little devils. It's the only way I can see to stop them.
"Patriot Bill"


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Dear. . . Patriot Bill,
First of all, you could be right about the same squirrels returning to your property. Squirrels are territorial and if you must relocate them you should always take them about five miles away so they will not return. Didn't you do your homework? I said you could be right but it is doubtful. You see, when you look at people, religions or squirrels through a prejudiced eye, they all seem to look the same. And when your hate becomes obsessive, you lose all perspective and become paranoid. So all of the squirrels you see today look just like the ones you hauled away yesterday. But enough psychobabble.
The facts are that it is illegal to kill a squirrel in the manner you describe. And without a small game license, in most states, you can't kill a squirrel at all. And when you can, it has to be humane and it has to be during squirrel hunting season.
So maybe you're thinking you can risk getting fined by the Fish and Game Dept. But if you kill an animal in an inhumane way you will be violating animal welfare laws and the SPCA or police can step in. A Cruelty to Animals conviction is a class 1 misdemeanor and remains on your permanent record. A large fine and/or jail time is included. And believe me, your handsome new cellmate won't be overly sympathetic to you when you explain about how the evil squirrels were destroying your new sod and robbing your birdfeeders.
And while you're playing Doctor with your new friends in the 'big house', chew on this: The squirrels will be taking over your property! And don't think your wife's new boyfriend is going to continue the squirrel war while you're locked up. . . I'm sure he'll be too busy.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy
Why do so many squirrels get run over by cars? Marty


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Dear Marty,
That is like me asking you why humans socialize with other humans whom they despise. It makes no sense but it happens all the time. Actually, squirrels are notoriously bad at assessing risk. But that realization doesn't deter us. We live on the edge every moment of our short, tragic lives. We live fast, love hard then get squished. It is truly the stuff of legends. However, there may be a darker side to this phenomenon. Think about it; wouldn't it be hard for you to stay animated and chipper all the time? And what about the endless panhandling? Sucking up to any loser in the park who has a few peanuts in his or her pocket. It gets to you after awhile. So the next time you see a squirrel doing the break-light shuffle, just remember that it may be a cry for help. "Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
How are squirrels preparing for the impending Y2K situation? Dan

Dear Dan,
This is going to be ugly but someone has to say it. Squirrels are responsible for the impending Y2K crisis! Is it some kind of evil plan to take over the world as those doomists Gregg and Cletoris over at Scary Squirrel World would have you believe? Of course not. Back in the 70s when squirrels were going into the programming fields like a ravenous horde, the year 2000 seemed so far away. As you know, the life expectancy of squirrels is under five years, longer in captivity (but who says that's living?) So what did they care about the year 2000? Certainly none of them would be around. Nor would their great, great, great, great grandchildren.
Now for the bright spot; We squirrels possess what scientists call 'hereditary memory', soooo. . . when all of the things that annoy squirrels (dogs, humans, cars) have succumbed to the great fall, we will reemerge and set the world up the way we want it to be. Too bad our hereditary memories can't help us find where our ancestors stashed all their loot. But hey, I can't find the nut I buried an hour ago. Now you know where forests come from. "Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
What is "squirrel fishing"? I've heard people talking about it at work and can't believe it. I think it's a joke. Beth

Dear Beth,
Sadly, there are people who don't remember to take their medication every day. Yes, there are actually humans who have nothing better to do than tie a nut to a string and attach it to a pole. Then off they go to hang out in the nearest park and wait for some unsuspecting squirrel to come along and grab the bait. Apparently the thrill comes in being able to lift the squirrel off the ground as it grasps the nut.
Needless to say, some of us play along with these misguided simpletons. Hey, it's a laugh. I've even heard some of my more sporty brothers say that if you let go of the nut at just the right time, it will snap back and hit the "fisher-person" right between the eyes. But you'll never hear about THAT in the breakroom. "Grumpy"

And if you still don't believe it, check this out

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This is my buddy Ron just before he delivered a bullseye!

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Dear Grumpy,
Have you ever been in love? Saber

Dear Saber,
Once, very many acorns ago, I fell completely under the spell of one bewitching little pine squirrel. She was exquisite in her downy coat and luxuriously full tail. She was always so glad to see me and hated it when I'd finally shoo her away so I could do other things. I felt that if I remained aloof she would never tire of me. But I learned that females aren't like males when it comes to love. While we males seem to thrive on rejection and continue doing the things which cause us to be rejected, over and over and over. They get the hint early, say after several months of not seeing their beloved because he is busy doing something more important, like guarding his acorn supply. No, when females are ignored, they simply take up a new sport, like water skiing. "Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I'm in love with the squirrel next door. I get up every morning and line the fence with the best of nuts. I pick corn on the cob from the neighborhood gardens and leave them at the bottom of his tree. I run dog guard during feeding times. I've lost my family, friends, and soon, I'm afraid, my sanity. You see, I don't think he loves me. I do all these things for him and he just sits in his little tree chirping and grunting at me. I only want to please him. What should I do?? Signed, "Head over tails"

Dear H.O.T.
As you must know, a lady can never be too indiscrete. Two words; 'mouse paper'. You know, like fly paper but you can catch bigger game with this stuff. It won't hold him for long, however. While he struggles to get it off you simply offer assistance. Before you know it you'll both be entwined in a mass of quick-drying resin and cardboard. Oh sure, you'll have bald spots for awhile but you'll also have him. Trust me, more than one pretty little pine squirrel has entrapped me this way. "Grumpy"

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