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ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

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LETTERS

Perfect Plan A Lost Mind Mouthwash Kent State Tactics Poor Diet Danger Everywhere Squirrel Names




deer grumpy,
I live in a deep hole in the wuds. Theres this right purdy gurl in town who i luve with all my hart. The thang is, She dusn,t know i am ulive.
Durn, grumpy, what shud i do?
From: Cletus of the Forust
Affiliation: None

Dear Cletus,
If she doesn't know you are alive, you need to put yourself on the map, Buddy!
Do something, anything to draw some attention to yourself. In fact, I have the perfect plan:
It is a fact, the most boring, illiterate, crossbred doofus of a man can start attracting women in droves once he gets married or even, engaged. No one wants you until they think someone else does, then look out! They start thinking, "Maybe there's more to ol' Cletus than I thought and maybe it's something I can't see." Now I don't have to tell you what that can lead to.
So, start a rumor that you're engaged to some uppity Northern girl from a rich family that you met at a fancy-bug collectors convention, then sit back and watch the fur fly!

"Grumpy"

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What should i do grumpy...
i have lost my mind...i dont know what to do..your the only one i can turn to..please tell me what to do..thank you..
From: grumpette of Detroit
No clear affiliation

Dear Grumpette:
Let it go, Girl!
The only people who are truly happy in our world are those who have lost their minds.
Rejoice! You no longer have to keep appointments or make excuses, no more Christmas shopping or social functions . . . The list goes on.
Someday I hope to be in your shoes.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Why can't I find cinnamon flavored mouthwash anymore?
From: Halitosis of PA

Dear Halitosis,
I guess you missed the big stink about cinnamon mouthwash last year.
NASA developed cinnamon mouthwash for the exclusive use of astronauts. The theory being that it would keep breath fresh for days at a time, eliminating the need for astronauts to swish after every meal. You can't really appreciate what an inconvenience that is until you are in space, so just take my word for it.
Anyway, the secret leaked out and everyone was making cinnamon mouthwash - until they discovered that people weren't buying as much mouthwash anymore; Go figure!
The mouthwash makers all agreed that cinnamon mouthwash was bad for the economy and have agreed to never offer it on the mass-market again.
You could always try to make your own but without public funding, I wouldn't get my hopes up.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Can you explain to the Black Squirrel phoenomana at Kent State campus? These squirrels are evil. They dive bomb you from the trees as you walk by and chitter at you in a truly alarming manner. What can I do to protect my self from these diabolical beings?? Help!!
From: Princess Snuggles of Kent, OH


Dear Princess Snuggles:
The black squirrel situation at Kent State is no phenomenon . . . It's life. If you can't handle getting dive-bombed or chittered at, chances are your just not going to make it in the real world.
The black squirrels were planted by Kent State officials back in the 80's in order to provide students with effective reality checks. Students who can't tolerate or become fearful over the squirrels are kept under close surveillance and weekly reports are made to all interested parties including parents, student aide officials, headhunters from large corporations etc. Just as a felony would stay on your record for life, so do these little reports on squirrel relations.
Buck up!

"Grumpy"

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Grumpy,
This is a matter of a serious nature. I am a hand raised squirrel. I moved out and live on my own now. I have met many squirrels that were hand raised too. The problem is the poor diet they were given. They scampered off appearing healthy, though have very weak bones. How can I spread the word? I am an Eastern Gray with a degree in squirrel nutrition. Most nuts, such as peanuts, have almost no nutrtional value. As babies we need CALCIUM CALCIUM, to have strong bones to run from our predators.
We normally nurse with our mom until we are 4 to 6 months, eventhough we start to eat solids much earlier.
How can I save squirrels from the poor misfortune of my dear friend Tripod. Poor thing had to have an amputation after the crushing of his leg from a minor fall.
Squirrel lovers unite! Save the junk food for dessert or at least until we are out of control teenagers.
From: Ticki Tembo of MA

Dear Ticki:
You are so right. Many well-meaning humans really don't have a clue about how to care for and feed an orphaned baby squirrel.
Please, everyone who might be thinking of caring for a baby squirrel: First, check to see if you can get it back to its mother (in case it fell out of a nest). Second, give it to a rehabber in your area. It will be hard because you will want to care for it yourself but rehabbers know what to do to make sure the little guy gets a good start in life. Third, if you must care for it yourself, educate yourself, talk to a vet and find a rehabber online to talk to.

"Grumpy"

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Dear grumpy:
I am a very devoted squirrel lover.I have many bushy tailed friends, and we spend much time together.( and i never forget to wear my own bushytail) However, it seems like every time I grow close to one of my nut-loving pals,I lose them. I have lost over 5 of my closest friends in the past couple of weeks all involved in terrible automobile tragedies. It is very distressing to see your best of friends turn into road kills. I am thinking about running out in front of a car myself . I can't take much more of this! What should I do Grumpy?
From: Samson the suicidal squirrel of SC

Dear Samson,
You can try to keep them close to home by providing them with nice homes (like tree condos) plenty of food and predator free yards. But ultimately, squirrels will be squirrels and you can't keep them from the daredevil lifestyle that they love.
All you can really do is be kind to them while you have them. The kindness you show will comfort you when they are gone.

"Grumpy"

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dear grumpy,
i love your column, i am but a mere admirer of squirrels every squirrel i see i give an appropriate name to, do you think squirrels enjoy being named?
From: A squirrel fan of NJ

Dear Squirrel Fan:
Oh sure, we love being named by humans, even though we usually have our own 'squirrel name.' The way we see it is if a human likes us enough to give us a name, there are bound to be a few nuts in the deal as well.

"Grumpy"

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