ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

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LETTERS

Wild World Smurfs Silliness Squirrels of Florida Running with the pack Oblivious Boyfriend Dinner Date Orange Teeth Crunch Baffled Lollipop Kids Just Talking That's What Friends are for




Dear Grumpy:
What advice would a squirrel of your years and experience offer a young lass, trying to make it in the world?
From: Nebula of Toronto
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier

Dear Nebula,
Don't build your nest in hostile territory
Watch out for dogs
Collect and save many nuts
Live on the edge of everything
Best wishes,
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
If Smurfs ruled the world, would anyone care?
From: Bob of Gaylord MI
Affiliation: Bob is still thinking

Dear Bob,
Only Pokeman.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I have a problem. I asked a guy out and he turned me down. He said that he didn't want to but he did. Should I call him and talk to him or not???
From: Some silly girl from Ohio
Affiliation: Doesn't know

Dear Silly Girl,
It is not your fault but some people can't take a hint. I'm afraid you are one of them.
Should you call him?
Only if you want to perpetuate the myth that you are Silly.
Of course you should NOT call him! Now, send me some peanuts.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I am moving to Florida.... are there any squirrels in Florida? If so, do they live in palm trees? Eat coconuts? Wear hula skirts because they are close to Hawaii? Do they live in the trees of Florida's golf courses? And if so, do they wear goofy white shoes with tassels?
What can I expect?
Always fighting for the cause,
Commander Puglsy
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Commander Pugsly,
I think you'll be a little surprised by the squirrels of Florida. The biggest difference which sets them apart from the rest of us is that they are all retired or wealthy (that's why they move to Florida).
They all live in tree-condos and vacation on cruise ships when they're not playing golf. You'll never see one panhandling, that's for sure.
In fact, the squirrels of Florida wouldn't need humans at all if there weren't such a shortage of domestic help.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Are you creatures individuals or pack creatures? Sometimes I see you playing together and other times you're putting the World Wrestling federation to shame!
What's the score Mr. Nutkins?
PS Where's Sleepy, Dopey, and the rest of your gang?
From: Daisy of UK
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier

Dear Daisy:
We are individuals who sometimes, run in packs!
A pack of squirrels can bring down the biggest birdfeeder with a single attack. And we can spoil the harmony of any neighborhood with a succession of short, yet terrifying raids on unprotected gardens.
A squirrel can stand-alone or join with his or her brethren in order to achieve success. When you see us fighting amongst ourselves, just remember that we are doing it for your entertainment.
Sleepy and Dopey? Wrong channel.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
How do I get my boyfriend to notice me the way other men do?
From: Nun of Yettem
Affiliation: Unsure

Dear Nun:
Face it, if your boyfriend noticed you the way other men do - he wouldn't be your boyfriend.
The only thing that keeps you interested in him is his apparent oblivion.
Of course he knows this evil truth and will never acknowledge his true feelings (unless he wants you to dump him).
Been there, done that.
"Grumpy"

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HEY GRUMPY,
WOULD YOU AND YOUR MOM LIKE TO COME UP FOR DINNER TODAY? WE WILL BE EATING AROUND 2:00. YOU NEED BRING NOTHING. WE ARE HAVING TACOS AND I HAVE GOT EVERYTHING.
From: Chip of Ireton
No affiliation: This is highly suspect!

Hey thanks chip.
Actually my Mom is in Kentucky fighting with the Squirrel Enforcement Army and won't be able to make it.
I LOVE tacos and would love to come. I'm sure you won't mind if I bring along my cousins Bubba and Elwood who are visiting from Kentucky. They've been on the front lines all year and are looking for a little R&R.
We're on our way . . . hope there's room to park the tank, hahaha.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy
Here's a question that's puzzled me since my earliest youth. It is: Why ARE squirrel's teeth orange?
From: Conan McPhee of Cromer, England
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Conan,
How do you think your teeth would look on a diet of cheap peanuts and poor oral hygiene?
Think man!
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
How come dem skwirls alwayz making so much crunchie noises.....hmmmmm?
From: Candice of Ontario
Affiliation: Candice isn't sure

Dear Candice,
Think of it as purring. We do it when we are content and happy.
Unless, of course, you mean when we are chewing on the bones of some poor little bird or rabbit that got in our way.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Why do stupid humans make bird feeders with squirrel baffles but not squirrel feeders with bird baffles?
From: Ferona of Ann Arbor
Affiliation: Pathetic Bushytail Envier

Dear Ferona,
I know, life isn't fair but we squirrels are handling it. They take a few of our sunflower seeds and we have a few blue scrambled eggs for breakfast . . . it works out.
"Grumpy"

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Grumpy,
As you can read I come from a happy and sugar laden place!! I would really like to know what the reality of love is to you!! Down here in the valley it is like everything else Sweet, SWeet, SWEET!! All hail the Lollipop kids yeahhh!!!
From: Sunshine of Lollipop Land
Affiliation: Forget it!

Dear Sunshine:
The reality of love, to me is this:
It is all that really matters in life . . . Until your nut supply runs low (or lollipops, in your case).
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
What made you decide to sit and listen to people ask you questions?
From: Kechara Byrd of Santa Fe, TX (Where squirrels are dinner)

Dear Kechera,
All I can say is that I didn't really choose it, it just sort of happened. I used to stay up late on Friday nights just sorting and counting my nuts. Now I still do that but after I've had a few margaritas, I can indulge myself by answering letters from people with desperate problems.
And just think of the money you are wasting on psychiatrists every time you eat a squirrel.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Why does my friend hate squirrels so much? He thinks they are out to get him.....I know better but I can't seem to explain this to him successfully.
Thanks Grumpy,
Miss "Fuzzy Tail" Dale of Delaware
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier

Dear Miss Fuzzy Tail,
Can't you put your own feelings aside for a moment and think of your friend. He is crying out for help!
Haven't you guessed that he is a pathetic bushytail envier just like yourself? The problem is that he is not as healthy (mentally or emotionally) as you. He needs to be coaxed out of his own private hell and you can be the savior he needs.
Start out by trying to get him to take a peanut from your hand without scaring him off. Once you have accomplished that task, simply supply him with his own clip-on bushytail and then take him out on the town.
As soon as the next day, you should notice a profound change in your young man.
Good luck,
"Grumpy"

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