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ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

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LETTERS

Bob & Robert No Bushy Tails Brainwashed In Need The Tripod Pistachios Cat Problem Terrorist Dream or Nightmare Keeping Warm Rich Man Laughing




Dear Grumpy:
Bout themfolks who want some squirrels to migrate to The "Land Down Under"If everyone will start sending me $1.63 cts per each squirrel they want...I will save it all up and when I get enuff for ahhh lets say 2,556 squirrels I will forward the tickets. The total will be $4,166.28 cts which is easy to remember cause that is the exact amount I need to purchase a "proffessional style digital camera with enough extras to have fun with...I will send the tickets..Honest...scouts honor and I hope to ahhh lessee ...ahh get sick or sumpin...I might even throw in a West Va. Fox squirrel or two...So if I can be the "Treasurer for the migration Fund" just start sending me the ole cashola and we will soon be on our way.. I really like yer page and or site..neat stuff in here...I can uhh kinda relate to some of your other writer inners cause they seem like simple folks also...Have fun now..ya hear..life is short....Bob.Treasurer to Be..
From: Bob W. Alia Of Fairmont W.VA.
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier

Also. . .

Dear Grumpy:
i THINK MY bROTHER WROTE TO YOU ASKING TO BE A TREASURER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...wATCH HIM...HE IS A SLICK ONE. He will try to get your Money, Wife, and car if its a late Model Toyota. Anyway I wanted to offer my services..I am a Plant agriculturist..I know all about the newest methods of "gene splicing" and that stuff..I think I can take some plant genes and implant them in your Grey Squirrels and change their color to "Leaf Green"..This would be a big help when they are trying to hide in the trees..I have already done this but I still have one lil problem..I cant get them to change color in the fall..I'm working on it tho...So watch out for "Bob" but please send me some money to help with "research" I need exactly a little over $4,355.00.....Thanks for helping them squirrels your a good man..
From: Robert W. Alias Of Fairmont W.VA
Affiliation: Confederate



A Note to Readers:
These two disturbing letters are the reason Grumpy has not answered his mail recently. Intrigued by the thought of squirrels being able to change colors with the leaves, he ventured out on an incredible journey.
He eventually caught up with Bob and Robert Alias at the W. VA State infirmary where he discovered, to his horror, that the two personalities share a common body in the person of Ralf, affectionately known as 'Buggeater" by the staff.
Grumpy quickly surmised that the naked little man known as Buggeater had very little on his mind except a big screen TV for his padded cell. A pipedream to say the least.
Disappointed and bedraggled by his experience, Grumpy is home again. A little more tired and a lot wiser for his trouble.
The Editor

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Dear Grumpy:
I used to enjoy watching our local squirrels whenever I visit the shoreline. Then I discovered your web page and learned about bushy tail envy. Now I am very worried...our squirrels don't have bushy tails! They are ground squirrels, with stumpy little tails. Is this okay for them, or are they suffering untold pain by being squirrels, and still not enjoying the prestige of a bushy tail? Should I get them all clip ons? There are so MANY of them! Also, I notice that they seem to really like to eat the ice plant. Is that because there are not so many nuts near the ocean? Or, perhaps they are vegitarians? Or...is it possible...they really aren't squirrels after all?
From: Concerned in California
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Concerned:
If they are squirrels . . . they don't know it! They are obviously, blissfully unaware of their unfortunate lack of a bushy tail. That is why they eat ice plant, that is also why they allow themselves to be observed by you. If they only knew how ridiculous they looked, they would surely become nocturnal, as did the Sugar Glider.
So, for their sake, try to restrain yourself from ever mentioning bushy tails in their presence.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Sir,
For the past six years here in Edgware I have been trying to organize a society dedicated to the eradication of the evil, imported grey squirrel from our local park. How am I supposed to do this, when children are allowed to be brainwashed by sites like this containing misleading information about Sciuridae activities, when it's pretty obvious you're all out for world domination? From our society, the SKS, we (both of us) order you to cease and desist this arboreal propaganda at once.
Love, S. Turkle x PS Or else
From: Edgware, England

Dear S. Turkel:
I admire your pluck, both of you . . . really.
But don't you see that it is too late for such heroics? You have but two choices:
Embrace us or lose the ability to embrace anything.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Why when I walk through the park do the squirrels throw acorns at me?
From: Bushy Barbozza of Entcliffe Park
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Bushy:
It is clear from you nickname that you are suffering from Bushytail Envy Denial. Face it and move on, once you are a confident, confessed bushytail envier, the squirrels will stop picking on you and simply shower you with the pity you crave.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
I'm a tripod living with a person who keeps cuddling and kissing me against my will. Short of biting her, how do I make her stop? Can I ever get to like this awkward abuse?
From: Pearl of LA
Affiliation: Unsure

Dear Pearl:
Who's pod do you think you're pulling here?
Of course you enjoy it, are even flattered by it or you wouldn't be writing to brag about it.
You only live once, enjoy!
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Can I eat pistachios?
From: Pookie
Affiliation: Unsure

Dear Pookie:
No, you cannot eat pistachios;
They are grown for the squirrels!
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
I have a serious problem from the neighborhood cat. I was just minding my business looking for a nice little spot to have lunch then all of a sudden, from out of no where this cat appeared. What should I do about this animal? I can't just stay in this tree forever.
From: The Grey One of Oklahoma
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Grey One:
Just place a vanity mirror about 6 inches from the ground at the opposite end of your territory. That should keep the narcissistic little beast and all his friend out of your hair for awhile.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Why do we do dumb little acts to get free food from people? Why not take over the puny human race?! My affiliates, the Chipmunks from Mars, and I have a large organization of bushy-tailed rodents bent on this cause. Any tips or interest in joining?
From: Squirrel Terrorist of Mars
Affiliation: Confederate

Dear Terror:
Patience, patience! Some day you will look back and wonder how you could have been so young and foolish.
We Earthbound squirrels do have a solid agenda in place to ensure our position at the top of the so-called food chain. That agenda includes but is certainly not limited to the dumb acts you describe. You see, the more harmless we appear, the less defensive humans are. Why have a messy confrontation when you can be invited through the front door?

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Will I ever get married to the man of my dreams???
From: Bekahh of Houston, TX
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier

Dear Bekahh:
Yes, yes you will. Just remember that one ladies dream can be another's nightmare.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
How do you stay warm in really cold weather?
From: Squirrel Lady of KY

Dear Squirrel Lady:
Scientists are wondering the same thing.
But just between you and me, it's the pantyhose we wear under our fur.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
Will I ever marry a rich man?
From: Hiedi the lonely squirrel in Alaska
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier

Dear Hiedi:
Yes, it's possible that you will marry a rich man someday but there is something you must do first: Marry for love.
After about 20 years with the poor sap you married for love, you'll begin to notice the unsightly wrinkles and the cellulite that appeared out of nowhere. Then one night at dinner, you'll look across the table at your knight in rusted armor and think to yourself; "Dang, I still look pretty good and well, he deserves better than me."
The next day he'll find the 'Dear Harold' note and go down to the local pub. Meanwhile, you've started that crash diet you've been putting off for 15 years and get your hair frosted and permed.
I know it sounds harsh but there is just no other way to really get to a place where you can appreciate sharing a bed with an elderly, obese balding man with lots of cash.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy:
I was walking with a friend. and a squirrel in a tree above was laughing at us, and began to through nuts at us. why?
From: Ground star

Dear Ground Star:
Consider it a compliment. Squirrels don't laugh at everybody!
"Grumpy"

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