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ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

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LETTERS

Message Boards

The Voices Stupid Man Blues




Dear Grumpy:
Why do people lie on message boards, especially the "conditions and illness"boards? I am beginning to believe squirrels have infiltrated the Hepatitis C buddies, and are spreading dissension as part of their plot to rule the world. Am I right, or is it time for the nice white jacket with the wrap around sleeves?
From: Kiki of Brooklyn
Affiliation: Claims to be one of our confederates . . .
Contribution: Acceptable

Dear Kiki,
Although I suspect you may be a Patriot in disguise, I will accept the nuts and answer your question.
Of course people lie about 'conditions and illnesses'. They always have, even before there were message boards. But we don't call them liars . . . they are known as hypochondriacs and lonely folks.
It is more prevalent on the web because we can claim to have any number of rare or glamorous afflictions without ever having to fess up to reality. You can even tell people you are dying, then disappear for awhile before returning as someone else with a whole new set of exciting conditions.
For those misguided enough to think this is living, I say I wouldn't want to get what they have.
And then there are those disturbed and harmless few who believe squirrels are going to take over the world . . .
Happy New Year!
"Grumpy"

Dear Grumpy:
Why do squirrels jump out in front of moving cars, and stand in the middle of the street frozen?
From: Sqwhirlie of Nutsville
Affiliation: ?
Contribution: A few puny peanuts!

Dear Sqwhirlie:
Actually I've answered the part about why we run in the street a couple of times. You might check out the "Dancing with Death" letter.
As for why we stand in the middle of the street frozen, that's something totally different.
Some squirrels, not all of us, hear voices. The gifted individuals who take instruction from 'the voices' are oblivious to their surroundings. They stop in their tracks, seemingly frozen, in a trance as they are being spoken to. It does not always take place in the street and you can see the phenomenon in any park setting if you watch long enough.
Where do the voices come from? We can only speculate-But some believe they are messages from the Martian Ice Squirrels (who kidnapped the Lander) trying to raise an army here on Earth. Others, including myself, think more rationally and believe the voices originate from a small transmitter placed in the brain by the CIA to keep tabs on us.
Now you know how complicated our lives are.
"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Interesting page you've got here! Any way, here's my question. I live with a big stupid man, but I love him, so what should I do?
From: Shorty of TN
Affiliation: Still thinking about it
Contribution: Satisfactory

Dear Shorty:
Interesting name you've got here! Anyway, to answer your question.
There is nothing to be done about a big stupid man, particularly if you love him.
You're stuck, stranded and out of luck. But I suspect you'd have it no other way.
"Grumpy"

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