ASK GRUMPY


ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

Click here to send Grumpy a question


LETTERS

Booby Traps Patience Colors
Catchy Peanuts, or The World Friends
Dogs Bad Breath




Dear Grumpy:
The other day I was walking my dog Lady near the park. Lady is a beagle (she wrote you earlier) with an urge to chase squirrels. Anyhow, she started to limp and when I checked her paw, she had an acorn shell in the paw pad. My question is are your Brooklyn colleagues using acorn shells to booby trap dogs?
From: Peg of Brooklyn
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Mixed nuts

Dear Peg:
I am insulted that you would even suspect my brethren in Brooklyn of such a cowardly trick.
Actually, we squirrels prefer to use a more subtle approach when dealing with dogs: We simply drive them insane!
We torment them to the point of barking whenever they even THINK they hear something. Before you know it, they are compulsive barkers, disrupting the peace and serenity of their neighborhoods, pitting neighbor against neighbor until they are kicked out of their homes. Forced to wash dishes in some seedy bar for the rest of their pathetic lives as they mumble obscenities to themselves.
"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear grumpy:
I have a problem being patient. How does a squirrel learn patience?
From: Tigertail of Arkansas
Contribution: Acceptable
Affiliation: Admitted PATRIOT!
Dear Tigertail:
If you think we are patient . . . you'd better wake up and smell the filberts!
We get hit by cars, electrocuted, mauled, trapped, shot and mutilated. All because we have no patience.
We are always risking life and limb in order to shave off a few seconds of travel time by crossing streets without waiting, running along live cable to avoid traffic jams and cutting through yards where known squirrel killing dogs reside.
Nope. You better not take a squirrels advice on this one.
"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Mr. Grumpy Squirrel,
Do some squirrels ever change colors???
I'm very curious, thank-you
From: The Brown Squirrel of Tennessee
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Nice!

Dear Brown:
As we age, some of us turn grey. We also get spray painted by unruly maintenance men sometimes. We often end up the color of freshly painted fences and lawn furniture. But as a rule, we only change color when we change our political affiliation.
"Grumpy"

back to top of page


oh grumpy...I need your help!
I have a big day at school tomorrow. I want to wear something casual yet catchy...something that makes me look good. what can I do? thank you soo much, grumpy! bye!
From: Saree of NJ
Affiliation: Unsure
Contribution: Lots of Black Walnuts!

Dear Saree:
Something casual yet 'catchy' eh?
The only thing that really comes to mind is a pith helmet. Dressed up or dressed down . . . you will catch everyone's eye in one of those.
"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy:
Do the squirrels appreciate it when I leave peanuts on the first floor windowsill or would they prefer another snack?
From: KIKI of New York
Affiliation: Confederate
Contribution: Peanuts, almonds and bbbblack wwalnuts!

Dear Kiki:
Well since you asked . . . How about a peanut butter and honey sandwich?
Wheat bread, please.
Actually, though we love peanuts, they are not the best food for us. Real nuts, unsalted along with fresh fruit like apples, oranges and pears would be more suitable. And we are always in the market for sunflower seeds!
Thanks for asking.
"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy:
Are you and your kind planning to take over the world?
From: Jelle of Nowhere
Affiliation: Unknown
Contribution: Cashews, almonds, peanuts AND black walnuts (Grumpy's favorite)

Dear Jelle:
If you are referring to all the recent propaganda concerning squirrel world domination-then yes, I suppose we are.
NOT!
Have you looked outside recently? Just look at what you humans have done to the world. Even the squirrels can't fix it now.
Clean up the pollution, stop having babies, control your development and show some RESPECT for our natural world . . . then maybe you'll have something to fear from us.
"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy:
What do you do if a friend embarrasses you to the point you are very angry at their actions?
From: Tabi of Texas
Affiliation: Still wondering
Contribution: Skimpy but tasty

Dear Tabi:
The better question to me might be; "What DID I do when a friend embarrassed me to that degree?"
That so-called friend paid the 'Ultimate Price'-First, he lost the perfection of my friendship.
Then, I dug up all the nuts we'd spent the summer burying and hid them in a new place (now, neither of us can find them).
When I finally ran out of spite and anger, there I was, all alone in my elderly oaken home. Surrounded by all the little momentos of our long friendship, surrounded by my own private stash of nuts with no one to share them with and finally I realized that I hadn't been nearly as embarrassed by what he'd done as much as I had been hurt by his thoughtlessness. . . That really irritated me!
I'm glad we're not friends anymore, what a loser.
My next friend will be a thoughtful, sincere and intelligent mind reader that thinks I am the cleverest squirrel on the planet.
"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy:
I just can not help myself, but whenever I see a bushy tail run up a tree, I just can not help myself .
I bark and bark and then I howl. Am I really scaring the squirrels -or do they just need a good aerobics work out and like to run up trees???
From: Lady Beagle of Brooklyn, NY
Affiliation: Unsure
Contribution: Okey-dokey

Dear L.B.:
You're scaring me. . . But for different reasons.
Actually, a healthy squirrel is never frightened of some hair-brained dog barking it's head off.
Still, to be fair, I will admit that we do push the limits of their limitless compulsion to bark at anything.
Can we help it if we are smarter and faster than some backyard Bozo in a red bandana who would roll over till he died for a little kibble?
We love to play with dogs and as far as I can see, they are the ones in need of aerobics workouts.
"Grumpy"

back to top of page


Dear Grumpy:
Does my Moms breath still stink?

From: Websta in PA
Affiliation: Bushytail Envier
Contribution: Cashews and peanuts

Dear Websta:
Just remember one thing; One man's stink is another man's ambrosia!
Your Mother's breath carries the sweet scent of peanut butter found in a dumpster, two days old.
I find it irresistible!
"Grumpy"

back to top of page