ASK GRUMPY

ADVICE FROM AN OUT-OF-TOUCH AND CONFUSED RODENT

Click here to send Grumpy a question

Grumpy will answer and post
selected letters once per month.

December 2001 Letters

Dear Grumpy,
Do you bet your socks?

From: Elvis
Of: Indiana
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Elvis,
Actually no, but I'll bet my little peanut butter stained undies.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Will this Yule time be any different for humans?
For squirrels?

From: Ann T. Dote
Of: The Medicine Cabinet
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Ann,
Of course, humans will be thinking about their families and close friends more than usual this season. I expect to see a strong sense of togetherness outweighing the usual gift-giving-getting spectacle that we are so used to. The hearth will be warmer and the hearts will be kinder. Squirrels on the other hand, always have a warm and fuzzy Yuletide because, unlike humans, squirrel-nuts are strategically placed throughout the year and never allowed to run amok.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
whats ure favourite nut??? I just cant decide on what is mine and its driving me nuts!!! Please help me make a decision grumpy. From a poor confused squirrel.

From: Beckman
Of: UK
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Beckman:
My all-time favorite nut would have to be God.
Dang, does that guy have a sense of humor or what?

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
That squirrel that throws stuff at my neighbor's dog throws stuff at me now even though I feed him. He's really getting quite fat. Should I put him on a diet give him low fat food?

From: Pablo Picante
Of: The Land Of The Black Squirrels
Affiliation: Confederate


Pablo, Pablo,
Don't you know that putting a squirrel on a diet is an exercise in total futility? If you want the little guy to slim down, simply give him heavier things to throw at you. Meanwhile, don't increase his calories. Not only will he be building muscle to replace the fat, but as everyone knows, weight-bearing exercise will cause his bones to become stronger, preventing osteoporosis.
Do the right thing now and you will have your tormenter around for several more seasons.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Why is my mom so nutty?

From: NUTCASE
Of: acorny town
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Nutcase,
It's really hard for me to say.
But a daughter who refers to herself as 'Nutcase' might be a clue.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Being from Fredericksburg, VA I am definitely a confederate; sometimes my dog plays in my nephew's sand-box. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, did Jefferson Davis eat a lot of nuts in the dark?

From: Marty Graah
Of: Fredericksburg, VA
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Marty,
I think it's very doubtful that Jefferson Davis
was a nut-cruncher.
The Kentucky native was more likely to fancy squirrel brains,
which may have given him mad-squirrel-disease.
This could account for some of his squirrelly ideas
about humans as slaves and propelling him to become
the President of the Confederate States in 1861.
Ultimately, reining as Poster Boy for the lost cause.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Do you have any thoughts about the ongoing increase in the scale of the red/grey squirrel war, and its effects on your grumpiness generally?

From: The Bohemian
Of: The not too distant Future
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Bohemian:
I think the Red/Grey War in England
is a propaganda effort in place to divide the squirrel brothers.
As usual, humans are the real problem.
Hogging up all the space, using up the natural resources
and then blaming it on the Yankee Greys.
And WHO brought the Greys to the United Kingdom
in the first place? They didn't exactly migrate
there on their own. I dare say, they were taken against
their will and once there, simply made the
most of their situation.
Anyway, once Effectively divided, the humans hope
to subdue the Greys with blatant genocide.
Then, the Reds will never have a chance.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
MY DEAR GRUMPY I NEED HELP I'AM TRYING TO GET MY SQUIRREL'S TO EAT GOOD FOOD.I BOUGHT THEM SOME HEALTHY VEGETABLES TO EAT SO THEY WOULD BE PREPARED TO EAT AND GAIN WEIGHT FOR THE WINTER MONTHS IN PHILA.DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD EAT CAULIFLOWER NOOOOOO.NOR WOULD THEY EAT THERE BROCOLI.WHAT GIVES? MY SQUIRREL'S LOOK AT ME LIKE I LOST MY MIND.BABY MY LITTLE FRIEND LOOKS AT ME AND SPINS IN CIRCLES.WHAT TYPE VEGIES SHOULD I CHOOSE NOW TO MAKE THEM NICE AND HEALTHY? ANY SUGGESTIONS THAT YOU COULD PLEASE RENDER WOULD HELP A LOT. From: MARY ANN
Of: PHILA PA
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Mary Ann,
You're asking me? Hah!
If it were up to me, I would live on Cheetos!
That reminds me, my toenails are beginning to look a lot like Cheetos. Do you give pedicures?

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Do squirrel chicks dig squirrel guys with big, bushy tails or does tail size matter? I'm thinking of a tail implant or maybe a tail toupee as my tail is stubby and not very full. I can't seem to get the chicks. Help!!!!

From: Bubba
Of: the forest
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Bubba,
I think I may have touched on this before but I'll give
it to you straight. Size matters in both sexes.
But life isn't fair and the implants and
the toupees aren't going to help.
Some of the ladies can get away with a nice
expensive implant because guys don't really care
how she got it. But the ladies won't give us the same break.
They hate the fake stuff and say that they would rather
be seen with a squirrel who has a puny tail that a fake one.
But have you ever seen a squirrel-babe chasing a scrawny tail?
Me? Let's just say it has never been an issue.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Well, Grump, another election day upon us, and just the same basket of nuts from whom to choose. Why do humans always pick such empty shells to represent them, when there are so many worthy squirrels, of such honorable moral character, willing and able to govern their fellow earthlings?

From: Miss Ann Thrope (aka Molly Kule)
Of: the far side of the tree, it seems...
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Misanthrope,
Humans don't want leadership . . . They want puppets!
And only another human would stoop to that.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
For Halloween, my oldest brother brought us a bushel-basket full of walnuts. In just one day, our squirrels ate / buried / stored 22 walnuts. Does that mean a bad winter? Also, how long will it take our recently planted hazelnut bushes to bring forth tasty nuts? Thanks for the great peppermint bath salts, I am still using them. Hope you had a hoppy Halloween. Take care!

From: Brent Bielema (former lucky bath salt winner)
Of: Fulton, IL
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Brent,
Just because your squirrels are opportunistic
doesn't mean there will be a bad winter.
If not, you could see an epidemic of
walnut trees in a few years.
Am I going to tell you when to expect tasty nuts
from your hazel nut bushes? NOOOO.
Competition is stiff enough.

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Grumpy, what's your sign?
If you were a Virgo, we'd be a PERFECT match!

From: Cheeky Monkey
Of: The Jungle
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Cheeky,
My sign is 'Dead End.'
What do you think our chances are?

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Each and every Halloween, I am faced
with the same exact question over and over again:
Was it a squirrel that came trick or treating
to my station, or was it really just a very,
very small child? Well, it happened again
Halloween 2001, and I have yet to solve the puzzle.
Any tips you can give me?

From: Ranger Bob (This months lucky Bath Salt Winner!)
Of: Wyoming
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Ranger Bob,
Excellent Question and I am happy to
be able to clear this up for you.
To the untrained eye, it is easy to
mistake a costumed child for a squirrel
and visa versa.
There are costumes that squirrels never, ever wear
but children do. They are:
Princess, Batman, rabbit, Palm Pilot, and Belly Dancer.
The other costumes are crossovers
for both children and squirrels:
Gunslinger, soldier, and Policeman.

The only difference is that the squirrel guns are not toys.
Can you tell the difference? Are you sure?

"Grumpy"

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Dear Grumpy,
Dear concerned Green Party member:
What do you think of Ralph Nader?

From: Ralph Nader
Of: The Green House
Affiliation: Confederate


Dear Ralph:
I think you're brilliant, Babe.
But you still look like a rich politician to me.

"Grumpy"

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