Like a scene from a B-grade horror movie, the funeral of Stockton Dupres
turned into a macabre circus, embarrassing the FBI
and leaving the world to wonder . . . Is he still alive?
As dignitaries from around the world gathered to say goodbye to the
rebel leader of the Kentucky branch of the Squirrel Enforcement Army -
As Elton John performed the haunting, "Oak leaf in the wind," written in a fit of anguish
when he learned of Dupres' death -
As the mood hung low over a rural Kentucky cemetery . . .
Janet Reno, known cohort of Dupres, leapt from her wheelchair
and fought off her accompanying nurses.
Wailing and gnashing her teeth, she flung open the lid of her lover's coffin
only to discover the autopsied remains of a doppelganger.
G-men rushed in to secure the coffin and its disturbing cargo
but not before everyone got a look at the double.
The doppelganger is non-other-than "Nuts" the beanie baby.
The autopsied "Nuts' has been flown
to the FBI laboratory for tests.
Since the discovery, FBI headquarters has been inundated
with requests from beanie babies collectors
who want to get their hands on "Autopsied Nuts."
Experts believe that he will be the most
sought after beanie baby, ever.
In a related story, the coroner who performed the autopsy
on the doppelganger has disappeared, along with all of the
"Nuts" beanie babies from a local shop.
FBI officials reported early last week that they had gunned down
Stockton Dupres in front of a
Kentucky tavern, ending a year of terror in the region.
An FBI spokesperson said," There is no doubt that
the squirrel we ambushed was a living, breathing Dupres
who died instantly when 54 bullets entered his body.
Somewhere between the time we
turned his body over to the coroner and the time it was placed in the coffin,
the bodies were switched.
We will get to the bottom of this!"