All currency converted to nuts upon entering

At Left:
From an old cemetery
in Hart County,
a rogue soldier threatens an
elderly widow from a cell phone
after she refuses
him a fresh-baked strudel.

Crime wave in south-central Kentucky
as disgruntled squirrels turn rogue

South-Central, KY -People in this part of Kentucky are undergoing
a wave of crime and gang activity following the collapse of the
SEA (Squirrel Enforcement Army) under the command of
rebel squirrel leader, Stockton Dupres, according to local news reports.

The sources said a network of gangs have appeared that extort all manner of nuts
and baked goods from homeowners, steal property and other assets and work for
those who want to irritate their neighbors. The gangs face virtually no danger from
being captured by either local police who aren't equipped to deal with gangs of this
size or the rebel squirrel army, whose members are busy battling squirrel hunters in the state.

The gangs are made up of former SEA soldiers, displaced after Dupres broke all ties
with the SEA leadership last week, the sources said. They said they turned to crime
after the SEA failed to pay their salaries.

Things spun out of control when Dupres butted heads with International
Squirrel Enforcement Army leader, Tufty (the traffic safety squirrel)
last month after Dupres was criticized for human rights violations by the army.
Stockton Dupres countered the criticism by accusing Tufty of politicking
in order to win favor with Kentucky's human leaders.

The focus of the criminal activities is said to be in Edmonson and Hart counties,
which make up most of the Mammoth Cave National Park. This area is believed
to be Dupres' primary headquarters in the state. The SEA soldiers were deployed
in the area until Dupres broke all ties with Tufty last week. Now they refuse to join
with the rebel squirrel army and will not return to their own.

Local law enforcement said as a result, the counties have become lawless.
The area has been termed "Little Chicago" in a reference to the 1920s gang wars.

On Wednesday, Dupres issued a statement to the press, blaming the entire problem on the SEA.
"It is nothing but a ploy by the SEA to make it look as though the rebel squirrel army is responsible
for the crimes. Tufty's political ambitions have taken over his loyalty to the cause and he is
willing to sacrifice his own followers in order to accomplish his personal goals."

To be continued . . .

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