On October 1st, members of
the Global Squirrel Network Press
met with Stockton Dupres
for an exclusive interview.
The only other interview
that Dupres has agreed to
came in Nov. 1999 while
he sat on death row for
the murders of 73 Kentucky squirrel hunters.
Since his escape from prison,
and his subsequent presidential
pardon from outgoing President Clinton,
he has refused all inquiries from the press. . . Until now.

The War in KY

GSN: In your latest attempt to bring peace to Kentucky, you offered a ceasefire to the squirrel hunters in August. How has that gone?

Dupres: I'm sure you are aware of the fact that the hunters rejected my offer immediately and continued killing innocent squirrels.

GSN: And yet, you have refused to allow your soldiers to fight back, even in self-defense. Why?

Dupres: Actually, I will be giving the order to resume combat later this week if the hunters do not agree to the ceasefire.

GSN: But why did you allow so many of your soldiers to perish?

Dupres: We allowed them to take our lives without retaliation because we wanted the world to see how much we want peace in Kentucky. We had hoped. . . that it would change things for all squirrels.

GSN: And now, do you regret that decision?

Dupres: Absolutely not. We kept our word and killed no one during the ceasefire. It is a statement that we were able to make to the hunters and to the world. What statement did the Squirrel hunters make? That they do not want peace, nor do they respect life.

GSN: And you say that the rebel squirrel army will resume fighting beginning this week if the squirrel hunters do not observe the ceasefire. Why are you willing to kill now?

Dupres: Unfortunately. I am at a loss as to how to bring peace to my homeland and so; I too, will serve death on a platter to my enemy.

GSN: What would you do if you won the Kentucky war?

Dupres: I would not give it to the squirrels or to the hunters. But I would turn it into a living museum and present it to the world as a symbol of hope.


GSN: Your critics have accused you of making slaves of humans. What do you say?

Dupres: The Kentucky Branch of the Squirrel Enforcement Army has benefited from the labor of slaves. But we did not make them slaves. The slaves we use are abducted squirrel hunters and each was a slave to his own arrogance and depravations. Not one was a free man. Anyway, we don't call it slavery. We refer to it as enforced restitution.


GSN: Some have criticized your chain smoking. They say it is a bad influence on the young.

Dupres: Young who?
Young squirrels aren't stupid enough to smoke. They all know that I am immortal and am not affected by the fatal problems that smoking can bring. I tell them, "Hey, when you're immortal like me, you can chain smoke all you want." Young humans, on the other hand. Dang, they're as dumb as rocks. And look what they grow up to be. It's pathetic, but it's not my problem.


GSN: Molly Kule sent in the following question: "Are you trying to save the humans, or the earth. I can't see how even you can save both. (And what the H*** do you see in Lilith, anyway?!? Which is the really important question, here!)."

Dupres: The humans are out of control. I have personally known a few and thought the world of them. But their voices were swallowed up by the ravings of the self-righteous. The world is worthy of saving but you would never know it by watching TV.
As for Lilith. I was in gaga-land, okay? It's over. What did I see in her?
Everything . . . At the time.


GSN: Oliver Stone wants to make a movie about the Kentucky squirrel uprising but you are refusing to discuss it with him. Why?

Dupres: Do you know whom he wants to cast as me?

GSN: No.

Dupres: Jackie Chan.

GSN: I see. Well, whom do you want to play you?

Dupres: Claude Van Damme.

Time Travel

GSN: It is widely known that you have discovered time travel. But you aren't sharing. What gives?

Dupres: I have learned the dirty little secret about humans, that humans don't want to admit. I have seen them, past, present and future And they are all the same. The humans today are no more civilized than the ones from the past. Of course they pretend to be. They have perfected their rhetoric to the degree that the truth has been washed so completely away that all that is left are empty calories. The savages of the past were always the 'other' tribe. Now, we live among them. They are we.

GSN: How can you say that, when the quality of life is so much better now for everyone?

Dupres: The high standard of modern living is enjoyed by a few, and those few are blind.

GSN: You make the world sound so bleak.

Dupres: And it will be, so long as it is legal to kill squirrels for their flesh and their brains.


GSN: A warrior was sent from the future to destroy you, she hunts you through time. What do you plan to do about her?

Dupres: She WAS hunting me. But when I returned to my own time, I came with a special ability, I can reanimate the dead. She will lose if she tries to take me again because my army will continue to rise up and fight her until she stirs no more. I'm sure that she has high-tailed it back to the future where she belongs.


GSN: So how is it that you are immortal?

Dupres: It is a long story, but in a nutshell, it involves a curse.

GSN: You are under a curse?

Dupres: No, humans are. But it's a long story and we don't have time for it now.

GSN: Outgoing President Clinton received a great deal of criticism for granting you a pardon. What would you like to say to his critics?

Dupres: You were right. He's a sellout and a loser. I should never have been pardoned, but I was and that's life. This interview is over.

GSN: But. . .

Dupres: I'm going now.

While you're here, send or receive a disturbing,
yet free postcard!

You are nut number

The opinions expressed by Stockton Dupres do not
necessarily reflect the views of this website or its creator.

All squirrel animation and photo alterations by b.kee(c)1999
Original squirrel photo (c)Gregg Elovich

Most Music on this site from unknown sources


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