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Attack Rebel Squirrel Army the day Iraq war ends, demands hunter

The President of the Kentucky Center for Missing and Abused Squirrel Hunters
has called on President Bush to target the Rebel Squirrel Army
as soon as the conflict with Iraq is complete.

In an interview on Wednesday, Eugene Clawd insisted that rebel squirrel
leader, Stockton Dupres -one of the "axis of evil" powers, not yet identified
by President Bush -should be put under pressure "the day after" action
against Iraq ends because of his army's role as a "centre of world terror".

He also issued his clearest warning yet that squirrel hunters would start a
month-long boycott of all beer if attacked by Dupres' notorious acorn bombs
or biological weapons, crippling the domestic beer market and creating
havoc on the US economy.

The center is considering an unprecedented crackdown on some of the hunters
within its own organization, fearing that a "small minority"
of squirrel hunters are turning against the group.

He asserted that while Washington was inevitably focusing on Iraq,
the White House shared his concern that Dupres -whom he called "insane" -
was also stockpiling acorns of mass destruction,
and developing pinecone missiles capable of striking
Kentucky's capital and even Tennessee.

"I talked about these things with my Mom a few days ago and I have
been to Washington to discuss Kentucky's future, if Dupres is
going to be disarmed." Clawd said.

"One of the things I mentioned is that the free world should take
all the necessary steps to prevent irresponsible animals from
having weapons of mass destruction. Humans, being superior to
squirrels and all other animals, should be the only ones able
to build and stockpile such weapons.
We have dominion over them, remember? The Bible says so."

He accused the Rebel Squirrel army of sponsoring the dreaded brainwashing
technique that turns regular hunters into "Bushy-tail Enviers,"
a mental condition for which there is no cure.
Of kidnapping innumerable hunters and forcing them to work
in tree-condo factories and secret nut mines.
He also accused them of trying to turn Kentucky's non-hunter
citizens against the endangered hunters.

Mr. Clawd reiterated that he was willing to work toward the eventual
creation of a squirrel petting zoo,
where Dupres and his army could live out their lives in
peaceful confinement.

Dupres has rejected all offers of a petting zoo or any situation that would
make squirrels prisoners in their own land.

Clawd spoke from his home, a camping trailer in his mother's driveway,
via his cell phone.

to be continued...

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